Town Pizza Highland Park

Just got back from this place. Sunday night 7pm and the line was out the door. No more wiggers and esses like Italianos used to be, straight beards and moustaches like a gentrified neighborhood should look. I got the VEGAN slice, it has Daiya on it. I love spots that slather their vegan pizza in that shit. Other places have "vegan" slices and they are just cheeseless cardboard triangles that taste like dog balls, this place has the real deal.

I for one enjoy the gentrification, I'm half mexican but full vegan. So stoked to have a vegan pizza place within walking distance. With a line out the fucking door they are already doing better business than Italianos and they haven't even been open for a week. Also hot chicks working there are a plus, they can take my order anytime, if you know what I mean ;)

They sell pizza by the slice and they have more than one vegan option, they obviously know how to get my attention.

5/5 Plunges

Town Pizza
5101 York Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90042

Vegan Pizza Garden Grove

Sup pimps, playas and hustlas? Tonight I will review a place in Garbage Grove called Vegan Pizza. Of course most of you know that vegan pizza is my favorite thing in the universe; better than blowjobs, better than heroin, even better than taking that first huge dump when you wake up in the morning. So why does a place called Vegan Pizza exist in the city I grew up in? Because the world is a fucked up place. If this place was around when I was a teenager I would have single-handedly made them billionaires. I used to drink 40s in the drainage ditch right down the street from this place, I even got arrested for truancy right on the corner of Chapman and West. Going back to this area brought back some serious memories.

As for the food, well they have all the crap you would get at a carnival: corn dogs, pizza, buffalo wings, burgers. I wanted to order everything on the menu but I didn't want to look like King Chub, so I got a corn dog, the buffalo wings and a snausage n cheese calzone. The cron dog was great, just like I remember them, warm, thick, salty, veiny and full of semen. The buffalo wings were a disappointment, they were just regular Gardein frozen chicken wings with a side of hot sauze. The calzone on the other hand was heaven on earth. It's like Jesus came down, touched my penis and gave me an exquisitely huge boner for 7 days and 7 nights. When I die bury me with a calzone and a bottle of Evan Williams. Great food and the price is decently cheap.
3/5 Plunges.
 

Vegan Pizza
12022 Chapman Ave
Garden Grove, CA 92840
(714) 750-8686

ADAMA VEGAN COMFORT CUISINE SANTA BARBARA

Sup crudlords, today I am reviewing Adama which is this vegan spot in SB. What was I doing in SB? Well you have every right to ask, no I wasn't skating the skatepark and no I wasn't headed to the hot springs, I was filming my homie D's wedding. Yeah, we all know how I feel about marriage, but I do like getting paid to drink champagne and perv on desperate women. So here is where we are.

After the wedding we crashed the bride and groom's hotel room and watched them pork, then we went out for breakfast the next morning. Adama's menu looked appetizing, a bunch of vegan junk crap that I would normally make at the house, but I wasn't near the house so I had to spend ten times as much for someone else to make it. I got the Chilaquiles which were not too great, they had green sauze instead of the normal red kind and it tasted like it came right out of the can. The tortillas were extra soggy like diapers, which I do enjoy, so plus one for that. Melissa got the Nachos which she described as "disgusting," but she only said this cuz she compares all nachoes to my glorious homemade nachos which make the world go 'round. I personally enjoyed them, good amounts of crud on top, the gwak seemed like it came out of a bag though, it still had the seam from the bag embedded in it. The cashew cheese jizz that they made was very tasty, although the consistency was that of breast milk, but hey, some people like that sorta stuff. We also got some french fried potatoes which you Americans call french fries, they were awesome.

All and all I'd say it was a good morning, our bill wasn't too expensive and I wasn't too hungover. I did destroy their bathroom before we left, it was a very fancy restroom with multiple crap stalls and the overhead flush panels like in Europe. But did I actually flush? Tune in next time to find out...

3/5 Plunges

Adama Vegan Comfort Cuisine
428 Chapala St, Santa Barbara, CA 93101

(805) 560-1348

Portland: Cha Cha Cha Mexican Taqueria

Sam left some tattoo crap in our car and she had to pick it up before she worked on her next client, so we met her at Cha Cha Cha on N Williams. I ordered a Bloody Mary cuz I was hungover, Melissa ordered one cuz she was on her period we both ordered burritos cuz our butts needed poop fuel. Melisser got an unvegan bean and cheese and I got the very authentic sounding El Organico Burrito which had chipotle tofu, mushrooms, spinach, onions, black beans and gwak. My hangover headache was pounding harder than I pounded your mom last night, so this burrito was crucial to my recovery.

A burrito is a very simple food vessel, you take a bunch of random garbage, fry the fuck out of it then wrap it up in a tortilla; it's really easy to make, but also really easy to fuck up. I assumed this place would suck cuz the burrito was $6.50 but, even though the name is super gay, I can't talk shit on this place. It was actually a very delicious burrito, in fact, it was so potent I had to scramble out the back door into the hallway to forcibly eject feces from my sphincter. Good job guys.

3.5/5 Plunges

 

Cha Cha Cha

3808 North Williams Avenue Ste 124

Portland, OR 97227

(503) 281-1655

Long Life Vegi House, Berkeley

Rong Rife is one of those vegan institutions that has been around for decades. They got the UCB campus covered for late night vegan face cramming. I remember going to shows at Gilman St. when I was 16 and stopping in at Long Life to reverse barf, this place has a spot in my heart. The restaurant isn't 100% vegan but most of their food is. They have lunch specials, but every time I get it I forget the soup is unvegan so it is really of no value.

Melissa and I were headed up to Portland to visit my family and friends and we stopped in the bay for dinner and to avoid traffic. I love Long Life cuz they are basically a vegan Chinatown Express but charge 7 bux a dish instead of a dollar. The food is of the same quality- greasy, over-salted meat chunks with a ton of flavor juices that fill you up for about 20 minutes then you are hungry again.

Melissa got the Lemon Vegi-Chicken, I got the Long Life Vegi Pork and we split an order of fried Wontons, all worthy of a back alley stroke session behind a dumpster. I'm not a biologist, but somehow delicious food pumps my balls full of an ungodly amount of frothy sperm and after I eat I immediately have to pound my meat or else my sack will turn black from lack of blood circulation. Maybe I should go see a doctor, but I'm pretty sure he will tell me to stop eating delicious food. Whatever.

4/5 Plunges

Long Life Vegi
2129 University Ave
Berkeley, CA 94704
(510) 845-6072

Kaipo and Jen's Fartastic Reverse Barfery

This is the last post about Hawaii, for now at least. The whole time Melissa and I were at Jen and Kaipo's place we were fed vegan dinner from the magical hands of Jen. She made a food list before we even got there and every night she cooked us something different for dinner. I'll do a very quick run-through of what she made.

The first night she made gluten free pizza with buffalo cauliflower wings. Some places do that cauliflower thing before but I never had it. Both of these things came out awesome. Here is a pix of me cram-jamming that shit.

The next day she made Banh Mi's with coleslaw, I forgot to take a picture of them, but I would have to say it was one of the best meals she made on the trip. She baked the tofu instead of frying it, my mind was blown!

Then she was supposed to make Lasagna and garlic bread but she got lazy and made spaghetti instead. This shit came out crotch-tastic. I probably popped like 23 boners and squirted over 300 gallons of mexican cum all over the floor.

Next was beet burgers and onion rings. I am not a fan of homemade vegan burgers cuz they always come out like mush and taste like dog dick, but these ones were fart-huffingly terrific. They had all the right spices and shit, and the best part was my poo poo was purple the next day. The onion rings were better than any onion rings at any restaurant and they were gluten free as well.

 

The following day Jen made her favorite meal which is Saba with black beans and rice. I never had saba before in my life. They are giant bananas (picture Lexington Steel but not black) that you need to steam before you eat cuz they are hard as hell (again Lexington Steel). This meal was on the sweeter side but not too sweet, I could handle it and in fact it was very enjoyable.

The next night we switched it up a bit and I made everyone vegan gluten free Enchiladas. As anyone knows I am the most accomplished vegan cook on the planet, everyone at the house agreed. 

The following night we had green curry with broccoli and peanut sauwse. It was hella dope, made my butt fart green the whole next day. 

The next meal was mini vegan gluten free pot pies with mashed potatoesez on top. This was probably my favorite meal of the trip. If I was shipwrecked on an island with only one thing to eat for the rest of my life it would probably be these things.

The last day we stayed we bbqed some burgers and dogs and veggies. Kaipo and I cut open some coconuts and we drank them. His dogs Kiko and Maybe go ape shit over coconut meat. It also makes them diarrhea like crazy so we feed them like 8 coconuts each.

Jen and Kaipo are the most accommodating hosts in the entire universe, if there were more people like them the world would be a much nicer place. They get 5/5 plunges, the highest honor bestowed upon any person next to the Nobel Peace Prize.



Here are pix of their pets, all just as awesome as they are. Thanks for everything dudes.