Sacred Chow Brunch

This is kind of a sad post. I am leaving New York so this will be the last post from here for who knows how long. My insatiable wanderlust has once again permeated every nerve ending in my body and I must be on the road. Expect posts from random places in the middle of nowhere in the coming months.

Nessa wanted to go to brunch on Saturday to get biscuits and gravy. The only place in town that serves vegan brunch with bisx and grav is in Greenwich Village. We rolled up hungry as cunts, ready to devour some vegan garbage.

Vanessa got the Biscuits and Gravy with a side of Collard Greens, I got the Italian Frittata and we both got Mimosas. Our dishes both came with a garden salad. The food was fucking awesome. The Biscuits were like light fluffy white 70's dog turds with crazy dog diarrhea gravy splattered all over them. They tasted like the Virgin Mary queefed down my throat. The Frittata, to my surprise, was not made out of Fritos. It is a vegan omlette made with tofu, Daiya and tomatoes. This thing was probably the best tasting thing I have had in my mouth since your mom's cooze.

According to Nesser the brunch is really the only good thing here. So brunch at Sacred Chow gets 4.5 out of 5 plunges.

Sacred Chow Address:
227 Sullivan St
Manhattan, New York 10012
(212) 337-0863

3 Brothers Pizza Rockville Centre

Hey hey hey.

What the fuck was I doing in Rockville Center? Well if you must know, Vanesser was getting her ass tattoed by our friend D'Jo over at Lark Tattoo in Westbury on Long Island. On the way she likes to stop at 3 Brothers to carb up before she get drilled for hours on end. I went along for the ride cuz Nessa wanted me to drive her back because she gets fucking delirious after getting butt pounded for long periods of time (hahaha, period).

Okay, so this place serves fake vegan food as well as regular vegan food. They have pizzas, pastas and traditional Italian entrees but made 100% vegan. The story goes like this: The son of one of the brothers turned vegan and told the 3 brothers to serve vegan food or else he would burn the place down. Since then they serve vegan shit.

Okay now to the food review. Everything we ate was FUCKING AWESOME!!! My boner jizzed cement truck loads of semen after eating here. In fact the restaurant had to call the city because the storm drains were backed up with splooge. Actually not everything was awesome, I ordered the Fettuccine Alfredo and it wasn't that good. But everything else was THE BEST VEGAN ITALIAN FOOD ON EARTH!

We ate there and ordered some to take home because we rarely drive out there and we wanted food for the weekend. We also brought some food for D'Jo because she can't tattoo on an empty crap factory. Here is the list of crap we got:
Mozzarella Sticks
Pesto Tofu Pizza
Seitan Parmesan
Fettuccine Alfredo
Eggplant Rollantini

The Seitan Parm and Eggplant Rollantini come with a side of pasta and all the food comes with fresh bread and Earth Balance. This place is heaven. I could not have been happier, not even if Shannyn Sossamon gave me a blumpkin. I'm excreting Cowper's fluid just thinking about how amazing that place is.

5/5 Plunges

3 Brothers Pizza Cafe
212 N Long Beach Rd
Rockville Centre, NY 11570

Vegetarian Ginger

Sup my dogs? In this installment of VBE I will review a little place in Brooklyn Heights called Vegetarian Ginger.

Mary and I were watching television on the internet the other day and we ordered a feast to be delivered to our lazy asses. Although Vegetarian Ginger is less than a five minute walk from her place, we had to prove to the universe how fucking lazy we were by ordering delivery.

Here is the list of crap we got:
Scallion Pancakes
Sugar Cane Drumsticks
Vegi Wonton Soup
Szechuan Style Soy Protein
Soy Protein Lo Mein

We ate all this crap in under 6 minutes. I'm gonna start hosting vegan food eating contests. If you think you have what it takes then message me on here. I have a feeling I can eat faster, harder and more than you and I'm willing to wager on it.

Nutrition should always be a competition. The lord Jesus Christ will punish the weak and shower his praise upon the gluttonous. How can we call ourselves Americans if we can't eat better than everyone else? The fatter we get, the more space we have for Jesus in our heart. If you do not overeat you are a satanist, communist and a homosexual.

4/5 Plunges

Vegetarian Ginger
128 Montague St 2nd Floor
Brooklyn 11201

Blossom Du Jour

Forgot about this thing, sorry to keep yall waiting. This post is almost a month old so I'm gonna go from memory on this one. I stopped in at this quaint little place in Chelsea to grab some fart fuel. Blossom Du Jour serves vegan fast food that is super greasy and awesome.

I ordered the Midtown Melt which consists of the follow parts: cajun spiced seitan, v-cheddar, agave guacamole, lettuce, chipotle aioli. I'm not sure what aioli is but it sounds sexy, I'm sure it's made out of Spicolli's areola. This little sandwich set me back $8.50 plus tip cause I feel guilty as hell when I don't tip. I'm such a sucker.

The sandwich was super greasy and garlicky. I like grease. I'm part robot so I need to keep my insides well lubed, but the garlic was a little too much. It tasted like they just poured garlic salt all over the insides. Other than that the satan was yummers and daiya is always good for the digestive tract.

3/5 Plunges

Blossom Du Jour
174 9th Avenue, New York, NY 10011
(212) 229-2595

Viva Herbal Pizzaera East Village

Sup buttholes? The other day I needed pizza. I know you weenies cry like little hungover bitches about pizza but I REALLY need pizza. I have a horrible pizza addiction problem that will make any heroin junkie hand over his needle. I need pizza like a gay man needs cock, I NEED IT! I need it all over my face, I need it in my mouth, I need it inside me all the time. Mike and Raph step aside when the see me walk into the pizzeria.

Cafe Viva Herbal Natural Pizzeria or whatever the internet calls it is a small pizza shack in the East Village. They serve vegan and un-vegan pizzas and a bunch of other crap. It is pretty cramped inside so expect to breath in other peoples gross garlic breath.

This place serves single slices of vegan pizza, they also have whole wheat crust, corn meal crust, spelt crust and some butt crust I left on the folding chair. I have a gluten intolerance, but I still eat the crap out of pizza. I ordered a spelt slice so my stomach and I would not have a samurai showdown in the can later on that night. One slice was called the Seitan Dream, yeah. It had spelt crust, seitan, artichokes, onion and sun dried tomatoes. The other slice had daiya, onions and red peppers. I ate both like there was no tomorrow.

The pizzas here are awesome, definitely one of the best pizza places in New York. I give it 4 out of 5 plunges. Congrats Viva Herbal!

Viva Herbal
179 2nd Ave, New York 10003
Between 11th and 12th.