Saturday, December 31, 2011

Black Swan Bed-Stuy


Orele jotos! It's been a couple of days so here it is, another racist, sexist, homophobic installment of Vegan Butthole Explosion. This time around a little place in Bed-Stuy called Black Swan gets the roast. I was with a couple of friends getting some drinks around the block from their house. I didn't want to leave but I couldn't stay at their house and pound off anymore.


We walked in, sat down and ordered foods and drinks. I got an order of the Veggie Empanadas and an overpriced beer. The empanadas came with a side of chipotle mayo sauze which is NOT vegan, so don't eat it. I was thoroughly impressed with the food. They were super greasy, crispy and flavorful. Since I could not eat the dipping sawse I had to drench them in either Tabasco or Cock Sauce, since I love cock I went with the Sriracha.


Empanadas rule. They are like giant greasy clams of deliciousness. The great thing about them is how indicative they are of Mexican culture. Instead of making a whole quiche, Mexicans get lazy halfway through and are like, "Fuck it holmes, just fold it in half and throw it in the oven and lets go drink some Budweiser."


3.5/5 Plunges








1048 Bedford Ave
(between Lafayette Ave & Clifton Pl)
Brooklyn, NY 11205
Neighborhood: Bedford Stuyvesant

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

CHIPPZZZZ

Okay so I'm officially broke as fuck. I been in NY for a month and a half and still don't have a fucking job. All my money is gone so I'm living off EBT. Pretty much every post on VBE will be an EBT post. I will be reviewing snacks and other corner store garbage that I have never before reverse barfed.

Up this round is Herr's Baby Back Rib Potato Chips. I found these chips for a dollar at the corner store next to Caridad's place. I was surprised to find that they are vegan. I couldn't wait till we got back to the apartment so I opened them on the street. Instantly the scent-farts wafted out like a 6000 year old genie in a bottle. The fart genie granted me three wishes. I should have wished the chips tasted good, instead I wished for peace on earth, animal liberation and a Bangbros password.

These chips taste like someone ate a pile of ribs, shit the bed, then wiped their ass with potato chips. I don't know how they BBQ in Pennsylvania, but they obviously use their butt for everything. I'm positive the BBQ sawze is made of butt, the chips definitely have butt in them and the packaging probably has a few butt flakes in it.

I would not recommend these chips to my worst enemy. Every bag should be thrown in a rocket ship and sent to the moon.

1/5 Plunges








Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Soy & Sake

This is the second time I've been to this place since I moved out here. The first time I was so freaking hungry I forgot to take pix. This time around Vanessa and I went in and ordered some soosh and nugz.


This place does all the fake meat sushis. The have some pretty sweet crap on the menu. Last time we got the Philadelphia Roll which is Soy Salmon, Scallions and Vegan Cheese. This time we got the Salmon Crunchy Roll, Bourbon Chicken Roll, Wonton Soup and Crispy Chicken Nuggets. We also got some drinx to keep our immune system on edge this winter. All of our food was top notch.


Sushi was invented by the Japanese back in the Renaissance because the white man came to their country and killed all the buffalo. Without their main source of protein, those crazy island orientals fashioned fishing poles out of bamboo and fishing line from panda hair. They quickly became adept and catching mackerel and trout which are abundant in the Mediterranean Sea. Back in the 3rd century the white man traded them rice seeds in exchange for hentai and Nintendo games. The Japanese used their superior math skills and added rice to the fish and created what history now calls sushi.


4/5 Plunges











Soy and Sake
47 7th Ave S
(at Commerce St)
New York, NY 10014

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Ruben's Empanadas

Word up. The other day Nesser and I were dicking around SoHo, deep dicking in fact, not really. I was gonna meet up with Momo at Trader Joes but I had some time to kill. Nessa wanted empanadas and I was totally down because I love pandas. They are so cute and fuzzy and they love to eat bamboo all fucking day long. 


This place Ruben's has un-vegan empanadas and vegan ones too. We got the spinach one, the tofu one and the vegan chili one. All of them were awesome. Two of them were made with whole wheat which kinda sucked, but the other one was made with regular WHITE MAN flour. The bleach cleans away all the dirty browns from the flour making it taste PURE and ARYAN. Definitely a SUPERIOR empanada. We each drank a Modelo with our meal which helped wash down all the dirty mexican deliciousness. 

Okay I'm not gonna front. Three empanadas were not enough to satiate the appetites of this duo, so afterward we went down the street and ate some fucking sushi and drank more beers. It's really nice to find someone who can keep up with my food eating abilities. Nessy's a great Robin to my Batman, and she looks great in tights too ;)


4/5 Plunges









Ruben's Empanadas
505 Broome St 
New York NY 10013

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Govinda's Kitchen

Sup sup sup. 

Caridad and I were on another mission for some crap, I can't remember what. We ended up in downtown Brooklyn on a super rainy day. We popped into this hippy vegan spot called Govinda's.


This place is in an awesome creepy dungeon that looks like a place the freemasons would have meetings. It has a huge dance floor and a bunch of tables. There is a small food area against one wall with trays full of Indian food. You pay for a 2 or 3 or 4 item combo and you get bread and rice with it.


I don't remember what we ordered so I'll just make up names of each dish. I got the Albino Bunny Poop, Bum Barf, Baby Dooty with rice and breads. Caridad also got the Bunny Poo, Deep Fried Nerf Football, Rat Meniscus and rice.


So I'm assuming Govinda is the woman who served us the food. She was really polite and friendly which made up for how cold the food was. Although we DID come right before closing, the food could have been a little warmer. Obviously the food was made hours before we got there and sat in warm trays until we ordered it, but the trays were not warm this time. The food definitely had good flavor, and my butthole went NUTS an hour after we ate, but really it was like barely room temperature. The food did come with free raspberry lemonade which was chill. I would definitely go back but earlier in the day when the food is freshly cooked. The spot is totally creepy and worth it.


3/5 Plunges









Govinda's Kitchen
305 Schermerhorn St
(between Bond St & Nevins St)
Brooklyn, NY 11217

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Loving Hut 7th Avenue

ALL HAIL THE SUPREME MASTER! BOW DOWN BEFORE HER GREATNESS! DEATH TO NON-BELIEVERS!

So I've been thinking about joining the Loving Hut cult. I will get to move to this sweet island in the middle of nowhere and pick beans. It seems pretty great. Maybe I can get a job editing those sweet fake news feeds that loop endlessly while I'm reverse barfing my fake-steak. There's gotta be a place for me on that island. If yall didn't know, Loving Hut is a corporate vegan franchise owned by the vegan Lord and savior THE SUPREME MASTER. She pays all her workers in love and kindness. What a great gal.

Caridad had to deposit some checks at her credit jewnion in the city so I tagged along cause she didn't want me masturbating in her house while she was gone. I suggested we get some butt-fuel at Loving Hut cause it's right next to the building.

Caridad got the Mac and Cheese Burger which is, in fact, not a burger. It is just mac and cheese with burger crumbs jizzled on top of it. I got the Cowboy Hero cause I watched Brokeback the night before. We split an order of the Happy DUMPlings.

Food was good, she liked it, I liked mine. A little cramped and cold in that place. Very sexy older woman giving me the stink eye in the corner. The wait staff is young and tender and on top of their shit.

4/5 Plunges













Loving Hut
348 7th Ave, New York City, New York 10001

Friday, December 9, 2011

Zaytoons Fort Greene

Quick post. This place sucks. Bad service, mediocre food.

Imagine all the diapers from all the children that have ever existed, the seepage flowing into a giant vat of falafel mix. It is freeze-dried, packaged and sold to Mediterranean restaurants throughout the United States. The only place that buys it is Zaytoons. They let it sit out all day to ripen before they make a single falafel.

The fattoush salad tastes like the dust and crust from the vaginas of a thousand Mayan mummies. Yeah, something like that.

2/5 Plunges







Zaytoons
472 Myrtle Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11205

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Paulie Gee's Pizza Greenpoint

Yo yo yo fuckholes! This post is about a pizza place in Greenpoint called Paulie Gee's. Vanessa wanted to go here for a long time cause she heard all about how amazing this fucking pizza was. We rolled up hungry as farts after moving all her shit and were ready to carb. 


This place makes fancy traditional Italian pizzas (fresh toppings and a small dollop of cheese). Maybe I'm just not as cultured as the rest of the world but I like my pizza cheesy, greasy and dripping with fart-juice. 


We ordered the In Ricotta Da Vegan which is a clever name pun on a crappy Iron Butterfly song. This pizza has Italian Tomatoes, House Made Vegan Fennel Sausage, House Made Cashew Ricotta Dollops, Baby Arugula and Extra Virgin Olive Oil. We figured since the pizza was 18 bux that we could split it and be full. WE WERE DEAD WRONG.

Okay, I hope Paulie Gee has his pants down already cause I'm about to rip him a new b-hole. He actually came up to us and asked how the pizza was, we were blunt and honest. We told him our opinion and he replied, "Well go get pizza somewhere else then." It's cool to ask your patrons what they think of your food, but when they are honest you aren't supposed to be a huge shlong about it.

The pizza was average. Nessa liked the crust but I was not a huge fan. It was too doughy for me, it kinda tasted like if you made a pizza out of silly putty. The Vegan Ricotta was of mediocre taste, I can make a better vegan ricotta with a bag of 7-11 cashews and tap water. Arugula on a pizza is not my thing but I can see how some people may like it. The redeeming qualities were the sausage and the sawze. The only issue is they skimp majorly on both of these. The homemade snausage is great, it tastes a little better than Light Life but grosser than Field Roast. The sause is actually pretty good, maybe if Paulie put a LITTLE MORE on the fucking thing it would be slightly better.

Remember, us food critics are not just here to entertain, we also provide an honest (and free) service to restaurants. Take our advice, bite your tongue and realign the cosmos.

Oh, and afterward, Nessy and I went to Vinnie's to get some GOOD TASTING pizza.

2/5 Plunges






This pizza is from Vinnie's. Note the size. They know how to make a real pizza for winners.

Paulie Gee's
60 Greenpoint Ave
(between West St & Franklin St)
Brooklyn, NY 11222