Monday, January 31, 2011

Feely Cheese Steak Sangwitches with Rosemary Fries

I was thinking about posting recipes on here but I am a very impatient person and I hate writing things down. So I'm gonna try my best to describe how to make these fucking things.

First I'll do the fries:
Grab as many potatoes as you have first cousins. Since I'm Mexican I have 14 potatoes. Cut the potatoes into FRY SHAPED pieces. Pour oil onto a baking sheet. The amount of oil should be equal to as many times you have masturbated today in tablespoons (I used 8 tbs). Actually just put enough oil to coat the entire bottom of the baking sheet. Dump the fries onto the sheet and stir them around so all 4 sides of the fries are coated in oil. Put some rosemary and salt on that shit. Let them cook in the oven at 350 for 15 min. Open oven and stir them around a bit. Then crank up the oven to 500 cause you are getting impatient and hungry as balls and you want that shit to be done MEOW!

While the fries are cooking it's time to do the Philly Cheese Steak part. What you will need. Cheese, Steak and Philadelphia. Actually you will need one onion, one bell pepper, a bag of Textured Vegetable Protein chunks (TVP) and a box of mushrooms. I buy the precut mushrooms cause I get contact dermatitis on my left hand when I touch fungus and also cause they are precut which caters to my lazy Mexicaness. Slice the onion and bell pepper and throw the mushrooms into a frypan and fry them. Next throw about one cup of TVP chunks into a bowl with some water and soy sauce. Put it in the microwave for 6 minutes and let it soak that shit up. After that shits done throw it in the frypan with some BBQ sauce and fry that shit. I pour some garlic powder, black pepper and cayenne pepper in that shit. Shit.

Bake the bread.

Dump all the things into the bread and grate some Follow Your Heart cheese on top. Some may tell you they spread vegenase on the bread, these people are a lil too extreme for me. But if you are into that shit then go for it.

Take the fries out of the oven.

Plate all that shit and reverse barf it before your friends realize you broke into their house to cook lunch while they were hungover.

Toilet rating: 5/5.















Sunday, January 30, 2011

NATIONAL VEGAN PIZZA DAY

This post is hella late cause it took me all fucking day to find an internet connection. Being a homeless vegan blogger is a rough lyfe. So my friend Gia and I went to Purgatory Pizza for Vegan Pizza day. I have not had Purgatory in years. I used to live right down the street from them in Boyle Heights and my ex and I would get hyphy at my old place and order Purgatory 2 min before they close. Half the time they would say no but I would get my hot ex to beg and she would always get her way. They absolutely loved us there. I called them and asked if they would deliver to my truck but they said no, so I had to drive there and eat INSIDE.

This is the first time I actually went inside. They have all this crappy preschool art all over the walls. You know when you go to a gallery and look around at the work and you say, "My fucking 4 year old cousin can paint better than this." Well the art in here I'm pretty sure is done by your 4 year old cousin, if not, by one of his stinky friends. The crappy Cat Cult mural outside is pretty bunk too. FUCK CAT CULT!!! I was a graff artist for years and I got fame for putting my NAME up on walls, not putting some dumbass kitty face that everyone is gonna love. Of course people love Cat Cult cause guess what internet? People love cats!!! I refuse to support art created for the least common denominator.

Okay I'll move on. So we ordered the "Spicy Chic" vegan pizza and guess what? They are out of the fucking chicken. We order the "Field of Dreams" pizza instead and they are out of artichoke hearts. We get mushrooms in their place. 20 dollarbux for a pizza is it worth it?

FUCK NO. They skimp super hard on ALL toppings. Look at the picture and count the toppings, we are averaging about 8 olives, 6 sausage slices, 2 spinach leaves, and 6 mushroom pieces per slice. I mean you would think they would go a little heavier cause you dropped 20 bux on a pie, but no. I imagine they can't cause their wimpy little dough will buckle under the weight. The dough is flat, flavorless and SUCKY.
The sauce is decent but nothing to rave about and they use Daiya cheese.

FUCK DAIYA! That shit gives me the shits. I don't know what is in it (probably secret unlisted casein) but EVERYTIME I eat it I get crazy Daiyarrhea (clever huh?). I like Follow Your Heart alot more. Maybe cause I'm from the old school or something but it just tastes better too. I mean it doesn't melt as well as Daiya but the way Daiya sticks to the roof of my mouth and to everything in general can't be healthy. So yeah...

The score: 2/5 Toilet Plunges. And my advice to them, don't be chunty with the toppings holmes. Piece.

Purgatory Pizza
1326 East 1st Street
Los Angeles, CA 90033







Saturday, January 29, 2011

PASTA AT VOLKERS HOUSE

Finally, I get to review how crappy other peoples' cooking is compared to mine! I was sick at my moms still trying to upload a youtube video at DIALUP speed and was getting super impatient so I text Volk to see what he was doing. He has DSL and lives down the street from my mom. I also wanted to drag him to go see The Shrine and The Bad Apples Blues Band but he wanted to sit at home with his ruca and drink wine like a little wiener. He did offer to sit me at his table for dinner though and since my mom came home from work falafeless, I was beginning to get hungry (read cranky).

So I drive down Katella ave, pass Jizzneyland and the Indoor Swapmeet and turn into Volk's townhouse tract. I enter the octowussy den and am greeted by his stinky little bulldogs Roxy and Frankie. Franky is a French Bull and Roxy is an English one, and they both have the WORST FARTS EVER which is kinda cool I guess, it keeps things interesting. Volk and his heina Christa offer me some fancy red wine but I refuse cause I'm trying to see how long I can go without drinking right now (it's been a week).

They are making a pasta dinner right out of the Trader Joe's Cookbook. Spaghetti with Bruschetta sauce, an Italian Baguette and salad. EVERYTHING PURCHASED FROM TRADER JOE'ZZZZ. The pasta was not undelicious, I'm gonna use that in every review hahaha. The pasta was dead on. When I cook pasta I get really impatient and go play a round of Call of Duty while it's boiling. One round is usually the exact amount of time for pasta to cook but I'll end up losing that round and getting really competitive and play another round then forget that I was cooking pasta. I'll remember 30 min later and have really gross hard crusty pasta for dinner. Volker on the other hand has this crazy device called a KITCHEN TIMER. He must be from the future cause I've never heard of this thing before IN MY LIFE.

The pasta is cooked perfectly and the bruschetta in lieu of sawse is pretty good. I had to sea-salt it up though, I can't taste shit cause I'm still sick. The baguette is from the Trader Joe's bakery which is probably run by Mexicans. I just had to throw a lil racism in there to push the envelope. The bread was really good actually cause Volk hooked it up with the Earth Balance.

Lets talk about Earth Balance. Shit's expensive but it's fucking really good. I recall going to the 99 cent store and getting Fleischmanns margarine and it is the worst crap in the world, but it's 99 cents. Well they sell Nucoa at Raaaaaaalfz on sale for 99 cents from time to time and it is much better than Fleischmanns but still is pretty gross. I mainly use it for cooking. Then there is the vegan Smart Balance with flax seed. I can't stand that crap! It tastes like dirty little Mexican kids rubbed their boners in there. Like the first time they got a boner too. I imagine it going down like this, "Oh man my peto hurts from humping the couch all day, I better put my chanclas on and run to the kitchen to soothe it. Oh what is this? A tub of margarine? Aye Aye Aye this will have to doooooo." Dip. Swirl. "Oh much betterrrrrrrr." Yeah, so Earth Balance is well worth spending the money on. It spreads well, tastes great and is easy to bake with. So back on topic.

Finally the salad. I tend to not eat salad cause it gives me the worst VEGAN BUTTHOLE EXPLOSION (Titchler) but sometimes I crave it. Around Five o'clock it is rush hour in my colon, gridlocked with little wheatmeat cars. Salad is like the tow truck that pulls off the stalled Seitanmobile causing all the traffic on the intestinal highway. So I eat it.

Volk and his ol lady know how to make a legit salad. First off he fries the crap out of some bread to make the croutons. Just olive oil and some garlic in there and the croutons taste perfect. Next Christa drops avocado, carrots and tomatoes on the baby spring mix then tops it off with some BALLSamic Vinaigrette. I'm diggin on it.

Now here comes the rating. 4/5 Plunges on the Clogged Toilet Scale. It can't be a 5 cause no ones cooking but mine gets a 5. Bahahahahahaha. Fuck you pussys, cry about it!

After we eat we watch Legion on netflix instant and I huff dog farts till I fall asleep.

Thanks for dinner dudes!
<3 Throb











Friday, January 28, 2011

Orange Grapefruit Juice

Since I caught the Bean Flu/Yellow Fever from the Garden Grove Social Services office on Tuesday I have been lying in bed at my mothers house. In between pounding off and checking my Okcupid account I decided to make some Orange/Grapefruit juice. My mom has these citrus trees that just sit here. She does nothing with the fruit just lets them fall and stain the concrete. So I decided to use some of the abundance of my free time to make a crap ton of juice. Shes got oranges in the front and Grapefruit in the back. The grapefruit are literally the size of soccerballs right now. So I grabbed a bunch and washed them off. My mom has an awesome black and decker electric drilldo, I mean juicer. I spent over an hour cutting and juicing about 60 pounds of fruit. Half of the juice went straight in the freezer, the other half I have been reverse barfing for the past 2 days. I was looking online for things to do with spent orange/grapefruit peels but all I found was using them to prevent ants and bugs from invading. Also cats hate it, so I guess if your cat likes peeing on the couch shred some orange zest all over the thing so your cat can pee on the bathmat instead. Of course all bloggers make blogs because they are full of themselves so here is a video I shot of my moms yard and the juice I made from her fruit. That last half of that sentence sounds pretty Freudian. Enjoy.





Thursday, January 27, 2011

HOA SEN

Super stoked to be doing this vegan blog shit again. Shout out to my ex vegan partner Fatty McFatty over at unhealthyvegans.blogspot.com/
 So this is my first review and I'm going to take my time. This place is right next to the skate shop near my mom's house in Garden Grove. It's a Vietnamese place owned by a balding dad with a very hot 16 year old daughter. He kept giving me the stink eye cause I'm pretty sure he knows I was pr3vin on her. Fuck it.
I rolled up alone in my 75 Blazer with my 400 V8. I could have easily walked from my moms house or rode a bike, but since I was eating healthy earth conscious vegan food I assumed it would balance out my carbon foot print. Yin and Yang folks. So I ordered the Chao Doi which is the Special Sausage Congee. Congee is a rice porridge that poor Asian folks eat. This has a delicious mucous/semen consistency, with little shredded tofu strips, snausage, cilantree and bean sprowtz. I threw in the jalapeno slices cause I ain't a bitch and I tried squeezing the lime in but it flew out of my butterfingers like an embarrassing douche-child. The food was not undelicious, hahaha. It actually had a nice porridge consistency but I did burn my tongue. As you will notice I burn my tongue every time I eat soup so yuk it up fuckers. I thought the snausage was gonna be Tofurkey but it wasn't. I imagine it is some really sketchy Asian snausage with egg in it, but i take the benefit of the doubt as the menu stated everything was vegan.
I also ordered the Banh Hoi Thit Nuong which is grilled meat with Vietnamese rice cakes. This shit was awesome. Little baby crepes stuffed with more delicious wheated meat that you wrap romaine lettuce and mint around. Dipped this shit in the sawse that they gave me and it was on. Wasted a whole bag of flosspicks trying to get the wheatmeat out of my teeth.
All and all I give it 4 out of 5 plunges on the toilet rating system. Please support the vegan community and crap your pants at Hoa Sen 12180 Brookhurst St. Garden Grove, CA 92840.









HELLO AGAIN VEGAN BLOG WORLD

This is a very mature blog so please if you have the mentality of a 14 year old then go eat your own balls.