Monday, February 28, 2011

Zatarains Salt Mine Pt. 2

I had 160 bux on my EBT card still and it's almost the end of the month so I decided to go grocery shopping again.


Zatarains is still on sale for a dollar a box so I bought more of that crap. My plans are always to gussy it up with a bunch of crap. This time I'm adding kale, a can of green beans, fake snausage, fake chicken, mushrooms, onions and this awesome shit in a can called MEXICORN. I almost peed myself when I saw this at the market.

Back in high school my friend Frank and I used to listen to the Germs with our Mexican friend Mike. We changed the lyrics to the song Lexicon Devil to Mexicorn Devil to piss Mike off. We would sing it every time he walked into the room. Come to find out over ten years later that a product called Mexicorn actually exists. My mind is fucking blown. So I bought a can of this crap just to throw it in the mix.


First boil some water and throw the kale in there. Let it steam for about 30 min. Then throw in the Zatarains. Let it cook for 25 minutes.


After it's done drain the extra liquid. Add the Mexicorn and the green beans. Be sure to not own a can opener and open this shit with your pocket knife.



Now cook the mushrooms, chicken and snausage. Throw it in. Mix it all together and eat it faster than Mothra queefs.





Sunday, February 27, 2011

Literati Cafe

Friday night I was higher than Queen Kong's twat drinking and scarfing pills at Saints & Sinners. I awoke Saturday morning to a horrendous hangover the size of King Kong's shlong. The rumble in my belly was louder than Godzilla's beef. To rid myself of this hangover, some friends and I went to Literati to eat breakfast. I only took photos of what I was eating because the three ladies that accompanied me ordered MEATS.

I got a Bloody Mary minus the anchovy secretions and the Tofu Scramble plate. The Bloody Mary was the same price as my food ($9.00). I asked if they took EBT and they said no :(

I was crazy impressed with the food I was served. The portions were larger than Rodan's brown balls. The Tofu Scramble came with a choice of mixed greens or potatoes, guess what I got? The potatoes were country fried and the scramble had cherry tomatoes, green beans, mushrooms and asparagus. Thumbs up to them for adding the asparagus 'cause I wanted my pee to smell like Cthulhu's snot for the rest of the day. The meal also came with sourdough toast. It clearly says VEGAN Tofu Scramble on the menu but when they brought me the food it came with jelly and BUTTER on the side. Way to go fuckwads.

The Bloody Mary was average, I had to add some pepper and half a bottle of Tabasco to spice it up.

Overall I was very impressed with Literati. I will humbly admit, I did have to poo halfway through the meal 'cause it was a lot of food. Very surprised to be satisfied with this place, it came out of nowhere.

4/5 Plunges




Saturday, February 26, 2011

Gaby's Express Washinton and La Cienega

This place is the closest place to my studio with free wifi so I'm here all the time horfing down falafels. The falafel wrap is pretty chunty but what do you expect for $4.50? I usually get the wrap and a small side of baba ganoush and it ends up being 7 dollarbux. Sometimes I just drive my truck to the parking lot and chill in it and steal their wifi, don't tell them though.

I'm sitting here right now and there are literally 40 people inside, I think their max capacity is like 20. The owner just gave me the stink-eye cause I am taking up a table all to myself while others are standing and eating. Fuck em. This couple just walked up to the door and turned and walked away 'cause it's so packed. Okay. I'm leaving, but not before I crop dust the fuck out of this place.

2/5 Plunges.



Friday, February 25, 2011

Green Peas

I'm gonna make this a quick post 'cause I just ate some falafels at Gaby's Express and I'm sitting here on their free wifi and I have to poo crazy hard.

I have not been to Green Peas in almost a year. My ex and I used to go to this place 'cause it was really close to her house. I remember the little persian guy working the counter and thinking that my ex had a crush on him. When I went in last night he wasn't working.

This place has decent food at just the threshold I'm willing to pay for vegan food. They have pizzas and sandwiches for 9 bux. So my friend and I got a pizza and a sandwich.

The food is not undelicious. I got the tuna melt on ciabatta with potatoes and Gina got the chicken pizza. The tuna melt rulz. I'm not sure what is in it but it left me burping up delicious tuna flavor all night. I was at the Mandrake afterward drinking bourbon on the rocks and burping up tuna melt, it seriously made my night. I didn't have any of Gina's pizza but it seemed like she enjoyed it.

4/5 Plunges.





Thursday, February 24, 2011

Drunken Beaner Rice Slop

So I have these beans that have been sitting in my truck for months. Like packaged beans that take FOREVER to cook. The other night I decided to let them soak so I can make something with them. I had some pink beans and some kidney beans. I usually make chili with these things but I have some chili in my friend's freezer so I made this bean/rice mess.

I soaked the beans over night then let them cook for 12 hours. About 3 hours into the simmering process I added a whole bunch of collard greens, some lentils and a cup of TVP chunks. When the beans were pretty much done I added one box of Zatarain's dirty rice mix. I like the dirty rice 'cause I imagine some sad little chinese boy in a straw hat picking up rice grains one by one and putting them in the box. The rice is dirty 'cause chinese people don't shower.

After the rice is done soaking up all the bean juice I added some fried onions and mushrooms. The proper way to eat this meal is to turn all the lights off, put on a crappy movie, reverse barf some Norcos with half a bottle of vodka then pork when the movie is over.








Tuesday, February 22, 2011

EBT

Fuck yes I'm on it. Things you can't buy on EBT:
Parliament Lights
Red Wine
White Wine
Toilet Paper
Cat Food
Draino (To kill yourself)

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Art Work

Click on it.

Kabob Master

This place is in some crappy food court next to USC. Morgan wanted to go eat falafels for lunch, I ate falafels the night before so I figured, two falafel sessions in less than 12 hours, what's the worst that could happen?

The ladies working at this place are awesome. They are super pumped to be working at a falafel shanty in a busted up food court in one of the crappiest parts of town. I want what they are on.

Both Morgan and I ordered the falafel wrap. I payed with my debit card half expecting to get my info stolen. I don't trust anyone after my credit card got stolen last year. So if my shit gets stolen again I know it was you crazy falafel broads!

Each falafel wrap was $5.50. Totally worth it. They put so much crap in this wrap the pita barely closes. Imagine putting a black man's penis into the grasp of an infant. The infant's hand is the pita bread and the black man's penis is the falafel, lettuce, tomato and tabouleh, the tahini is his jizz.

Make sure you order a water cup so the ladies working there will hand you an 8 ounce dixie cup and give you the third degree for asking for a refill.

3/5 Plunges.







Thursday, February 17, 2011

Man Oh Man

So last night I made that burger around 7 pm. I went to be around midnight with the biggest headache and stomach ache. This morning at 6 am I awake to the hugest gutquake EVER.

Pooping is one of the biggest mysteries of life. It's kind of like a bitchy girlfriend that you stay together for cause the sex is so good. This specific turd made me cry, in the goodhurt kind of way. I knew what I was getting into last night, but didn't think it would be this bad. I should probably lay off the wheat meats for a few days and clear my innards with some salad, but I won't.

Before and after photos.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Double Western Bacon Cheese Burger

Oh hells yes, this was made and devoured behind your back. You had no idea. Imagine eating the best burger you have ever eaten in your life, but you didn't get to eat it, cause I fucking ate it and you had no idea it existed.

This behemoth consists of one patty Trader Joe's Organic Tofu Veggie Burger and one Morning Star Vegan Burger. I will punch anyone in the face if they say that Morning Star Veggie Burgers are not the best veggie burgers on the market. Yes Morning Star has gone downhill since they got bought out by the Corn King, but the one good thing they have left on their menu is the veggie burger.

Grill both burgers, throw a single slice of Tofutti Oil American Fake Cheddar Deliciousness on one of the patties. Fry some bacon. Then cook up some onion rings and cut an avocado, cut a fart too while you're at it. Pile all of that crap on a bun. Add Vag-enaise, mustard and BB-Jew sauce. Attempt to open your mouth like a pit viper and reverse barf it. Oh and eat about 2lbs of home fries and some Tecate's with it. Try to finish it all before you crap your pants.