Drunken Beaner Rice Slop

So I have these beans that have been sitting in my truck for months. Like packaged beans that take FOREVER to cook. The other night I decided to let them soak so I can make something with them. I had some pink beans and some kidney beans. I usually make chili with these things but I have some chili in my friend's freezer so I made this bean/rice mess.

I soaked the beans over night then let them cook for 12 hours. About 3 hours into the simmering process I added a whole bunch of collard greens, some lentils and a cup of TVP chunks. When the beans were pretty much done I added one box of Zatarain's dirty rice mix. I like the dirty rice 'cause I imagine some sad little chinese boy in a straw hat picking up rice grains one by one and putting them in the box. The rice is dirty 'cause chinese people don't shower.

After the rice is done soaking up all the bean juice I added some fried onions and mushrooms. The proper way to eat this meal is to turn all the lights off, put on a crappy movie, reverse barf some Norcos with half a bottle of vodka then pork when the movie is over.