Thursday, March 31, 2011

Nyala Ethiopian Food

Driving back from MacArthur park during rush hour is not fun so I decided to stop halfway in Little Ethiopia to get my food on. I pulled up to the curb tearing so much ass I ripped a piece of it off. My truck has serious rat balls.

I used to eat at Merkato all the time until one day I sat there for a good 45 min waiting for my check and I had to get up and ask them for it. Bad move Merkato, also your place overwhelmingly reeks of that fucking incense garbage, so much so that I break out in hives when I step foot in there. Merkato you get ZERO plunges.

So back to my review of Nyala. I usually go here for All-U-Can-Cram but that ends at 3pm. So this time I went in with my alibi Giovanna. With her present I could order the Vegetarian Combo Plate FOR TWO and eat it all myself, which is what I did. Gia was bitching about her doctor or her mom or something, I don't know cause I don't listen to a word women say, so she was not in the mood to eat. I managed to horf down the entire meal without having to take a dump, which rarely occurs at an Ethiopian place. I destroyed 12 pieces of that spongy Ninjera bread, that shit rules cause it's named after Ninja Turtles or Nintendo or Nine Inch Nails something. The BEST part about eating Ethiopian food is the burps. I love tasting those spices for HOURS afterward. One can eat this food for breakfast and not have to eat anything for the rest of the day, he can just survive on his own burps. The WORST part about this food is trying to sleep after eating it. I think they keep all those things separate on that plate for a reason. They are like beta fish, once they are in your stomach it's ALL OUT WAR. Try sleeping without waking yourself up at 3 am with what you think is a space shuttle re-entering the atmosphere only to find out it was a fart. There should be a plaque on the door warning people: DO NOT EAT Ethiopian food after 5 pm if you have to get up for work the next morning.

Overall I rate Nyala 4/5 Plunges.




My suggestion: All-U-Can-Cram-All-Day-Long! Just so us fat vegan bloggers can save face. ;)

Nyala Ethiopian Cuisine
1076 S Fairfax Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90019



Saturday, March 26, 2011

Backyard Butthole Burger

The rain stopped for about an hour and the sun was shining so I went out back of my moms house and made a burger.

Bun is Trader Joe's crap that makes your mouth super tired of chewing after about 4 bites. The burger is Morningstar cat pee patty. I don't know if you noticed but these veggie burgers smell totally like cat pee. I put the burger on the grill for 5 min and put some lemon juice on the top to prevent it from crusting up into a dry dog biscuit. After 5 min I flip it and add daiya cheese to the top and put the bread on the top grill to toast. 5 min and shits done.

Put some vag-anaise and mustard on the bun, add some salt to the avacadie for TASTE, add lettuce and pickles. Be like Obi-Wan and use The Force to cram this monstrosity down your bonghole. Make sure your moms dogs are watching and salivating. Make mmmmmmmmm, baahhhhhhhhh, brbrrbrbrbrbrbrbr noises when you eat it to piss them off even more. Give them NONE.








Friday, March 25, 2011

El Misti

This place used to be owned by my high school best friend Carlos' parents. A few years ago I think they sold it to his aunt or uncle or something. Carlos turned vegan the same time I did back in 98-99. His parents always had this restaurant but since he was vegan at the time he made them put shit on the menu that was vegan. Basically just replacing the meats with fake meats. So since then I recall the place gaining more customers from the younger vegan community.

The food is Peruvian. If you don't know anything about Peru, they invented quinoa. The Incas and all of Mexico and South America invented a bunch of crap before the Europeans did. They invented the number zero, brick buildings, human sacrifice, they invented buttsex wayyyyy before the Greeks and they invented the cardinal points along with all space and time. Basically Latin America is superior to Europe in every way. Then the white man came and claimed to have known these things for years. They only thing the white man invented were diseases to kill all other races.

So back to El Misti. Since the ownership change the new wait staff seem to know nothing about vegans. They kept telling me that stuff on the menu clearly noted as "Vegetarian only, not vegan" was totally vegan. I didn't believe them at all. So I ordered the stuff that I knew was totally vegan.

They ran out of the Soy Chicken & Rice so we got the Quinoa Tofu Stir Fry with Beef instead of Tofu. We also ordered the Veggie Cau Cau which is soy fish with some other crap.

The food took forever to get to us and the waitress knew it so she brought us vegetarian tamale on da haus. On the menu it states this thing is vegetarian only not vegan so I let Vanessa eat it cause she eats that crap. I'm guessing there is maybe like egg or something in the masa cause there was not cheese in it anywhere.

The Stir Fry was AMAZING. I'm not a quinoa fan in any way, but it went perfect with the beef, onion, bell peppers and FRENCH FRIES. Yes you read that correct, FRENCH FRIES in stir fry, fucking genius. This has inspired me to put french fries in everything. French fries on pizza, french fries in oatmeal, french fries in quiche, the sky is the limit. The spices in this dish were amazing, sorta like a Thai spicy noodle dish. It rocked my johnson.

The Veggie Cau Cau on the other hand was not so hot. I mean I still ate the crap out of it, but the fish was hard rubbery chunks of wheat meat and the vegetables in it I'm pretty sure were just Veg-all. It was spiced amazingly but the meat substitute was not of the highest caliber.

The next morning my innards were ravaged by Viracocha creating diarrhea of sea foam. Thank you for your blessing.

Overall I rate it 4/5 Plunges.



So please support underground Peruvian vegan dishes and next time you are in Orange County go to El Misti.

3070 W Lincoln Ave
Suite D
Anaheim, CA 92801









Monday, March 21, 2011

South by South-butthole Trip

Crazy hectic road trip to Austin last week. I'll go through the images chronologically.


The Coachlight Inn Las Cruces NM.





Fuel-up in TX.

Brittnay Constance residence.

Jackalope Bar


EXTREME PITA from Extreme Pita in downtown Austin. This pita was indeed extreme. I ordered the large and it weighed in at about 2 lbs. I had to reverse barf it hella fast so I could get on the bus. 3/5 Plunges


Hipster Party Bus

This was the LAST bus ride back from downtown to Hyde Park where I was staying. I had to fight my way into it. I got a seat near the back and everyone was really drunk singing Seal's "Kiss by a Rose" super loud and offkey. A few stops before my exit this girl regular barfed all over the ground next to the door. I can honestly say it was the best public transportation experience of my life.

Julie Pepin at the Shangri La bar looking gorgeous as always.


Vegan Yacht


So I was not too impressed with the Vegan Yacht. The were serving only one thing in 3 different forms: The Frito Pie. One could order this as a burrito, a pie or without Fritos as a "healthy" option. I probably would have ordered the Frito pie anyway even if they were serving the full menu cause I'm really into eating garbage based foods. This Frito Pie was lacking the one thing that makes food taste good: FLAVOR. It had tempeh chili and Fritos in it. The chili was lackluster and the Fritos just made it taste super greasy. I'm sure I will get an email from them complaining about how I complained about them, but I'll give them my advice. Please throw some SALT in your food, it enhances FLAVOR and makes things taste better.


Gina eating some random hotdog




This is what we ordered from Veggie Heaven







Veggie Heaven is your standard Chinese vegan junk food. I'm such a sucker for this type of food so this review may be biased. Food is super salty and flavorful, perfect for the hungover on-the-run vegan alcoholic. The girls liked their food too. 4/5 Plunges

THE VEGAN BUTTHOLE EXPLOSION