Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Tofu, Vegetable, Quinoa and Cheese Enchiladitos

FINALLY back in SoCal. I took the Amtrak back from Portland. I brought a bunch of food 'cause the ride is 30 hours long, I ate all the food in the first hour of the ride. So I had to drop five bux on each of their vegan burgers. They aren't half bad, especially if you eat them drunk. I snuck on a bottle of rye whiskey to tide me over, I was not gonna drop five bux a beer for 30 hours. One used to be able to bring one's own alcohol on the Amtrak, but they changed that up.

So I was back in LA and ate 2 Burrito King burritos within 3 hours of each other, this was on top of drinking a bunch of miller highlife. My innards forgot what it was like to be back in LA. Portland food made my bowels wimpy so I am beefing up my intestines with MEXICAN food.

After crapping for 2 straight hours I went to the Jons Market next to my moms house. Got some stuff to make enchiladas.

This recipe is an augmented version of my families secret recipe. Since we are proud beaners, I cannot divulge all the secrets of this recipe so deal with it.

First make the rice. My mom's dating an asian boy so I used his bag of fancy sushi rice. I suggest using long grain brown rice instead. Pour out a cup of rice and rinse it under warm water. Then pour some oil in a sauce pan and turn the heat up to med high. Throw the rice in and let it toast up. After 2 minutes of stirring drop in 1/4 cup enchilada sauce, 2 tbs cumin, 1 tbs paprika and 1 tbs cayenne pepper. Stir it like crazy. Then pour in 1.5 cup water 1 tbs oil and 1 tbs salt. Let it boil then simmer till the water is evaped.

Now make the refried beans. Buy one can of refried beans, put them in a sauce pan. I'm sure you re-res can figure this one out.

Now make the quinoa. Rinse one cup quinoa under warm water. Dump it in a sawse pan and add 2 cups water. Thrown in a pinch of salt and cook it on low till it's done.

Now fry the tofu. Cut the whole package of firm tofu into rectangles. Throw it in a frypan with some oil. Add spices. I used this fajita spice and cayenne pepper. Throw in 3 tbs of soy sauce or 5 tbs braggs. Fry on high till it sticks to the pan.

Cut up your vegetables. Dice up some zucchini, mushrooms, olives onions, spinach and jalapenos.

Now make the cheese sauce. This is where your culinary skillz come in handy. Get a food processor, pour 1 cup of plain soy milk, 4 cloves of garlic, 1 tbs onion powder, 1 tbs garlic salt, 3/4 cup pine nuts, 1/4 cup almonds, 1 jalapeno (deseeded), half a lemons worth of juice and the secret ingredient 3 tbs baba ganoush. Blend the fuck out of it. Now throw that crap into a sauce pan, add 1 tbs olive oil, 2 tbs salt and 1 cup of nutritional yeast. Stir in the nooch on a low flame till it is no longer powdery. Let it cool off.

Now the sloppy part, get your mom to help at this point. Put a jizzload of oil into a frypan, put the flame on low. Drop your corn tortilla into the pan for 10 seconds, then take it out with some tongs. Then tea bag it in the enchilada sauce and throw it on the baking sheet. Now it's CRAM TIME. Put all your vegetables, tofu, quinoa and cheese inside the tortilla and roll it up. Once the tray is full dump olives and diced jalapenos on top. If you have extra sause dump it on the top too.

Throw it in the oven at 325 for 40 min. Now is the fun time. While the enchiladas are cooking go on the internet and jerk off to some porno. Make sure you don't get caught up reading your lame friends facebook posts. When you hear the oven timer, wipe the semen off your keyboard and go open the oven.

Make sure you eat these things RIGHT AWAY. Do not let them cool off. The only way to truly enjoy enchiladas is to burn the living fuck out of the roof of your mouth. Plate the ench's, rice and beans. Throw some cilantry on top and eat at least 26 of them or as many as you can till you barf. After you eat try to have sex with your lover without crapping the bed.

You will need this to make this crap:
1 Pack Firm Tofu
1 Cup Quinoa
1 Cup Rice
1 Can of Beanz
1 Cup Nooch
3/4 Cup Pine Nuts
1/4 Almonds
3 Tbs Babaganoush
1/2 Lemon
1 Large can of Enchilada Sauce
2 Cans of Olives
1 Onion
3 Jalapenos
1 Package Mushrooms
3 Zucchinis
1 Bunch of Spinach
1 Pack of Corn Tortillas
1 Bunch of Cilantro
4 Garlic Cloves
Olive oil
Cumin
Cayenne Pepper
Paprika
Garlic Salt
Onion Powder
Soy Sauce
1 Gallon of Semen
























Monday, May 9, 2011

Nachos, FROM HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Okay so this could quite possibly be the saltiest thing I have ever eaten. I did not add any salt to this, everything is straight out of the package.

I found these chips at the Safeway, they were on sale so I got them.
My dad tried them and said they taste like Doritos when Doritos first came out. I wouldn't know cause they came out in 1964. My dads balls probably didn't even produce semen back then. Dorito means little golden in bean if you weren't aware.

So pile down a FART-TON of chipz on a plate, grate an ASSLOAD of cheese on it and throw it in le ole microwave.


Fry a DICKLOAD of tofu and soyrizo.

Throw that crap on top and REVERSE BARF the whole fucking plate.

It would be wise to pound a gallon of Pepto at this point, trust me your butthole will thank you.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Gluten Free Stir Fry and Chow Mein

So my aunt Marci can't eat gluten. She has HORRIBLE arthritis in her hands, they look like the Cryptkeeper's hands. Eating gluten makes them hurt more. I'm pretty sure it runs in the family so I should be cutting back on my gluten intake. If I eat a lot of gluten my left hand breaks out in a rash.

Being vegan sux when you can't eat gluten cause most good vegan junk has wheat in it. Add all the beer that you drink and the late night pizza carbbing and it is a recipe for disaster. Here is a quick meal that you can make hella fast and cram down crazy hard. This is just a variation of the 4 dollar stir fry just exchanging a few ingredients around.

Get a block of tofu and freeze it. Take it out a week later and put it in the microwave for 5 min. While this is thawing boil up some water and make some wheat free noodles. Any brown rice spaghetti will work. While this shit is going on cut up you onion, mushrooms and celery. By the time you are done cutting, the tofu should be done. Drain any excess water from the package and cube it. While cubing the tofu throw the frozen bag of stir fry vegetables in a bowl and shove it in the microwave. Cook them for one minute.

Hopefully you had the wok on high with some oil in it, it should be ready to splatter now. Throw EVERYTHING in the wok and stir it around. Add garlic powder, cayenne pepper and onion powder. If you were smart you made the stir fry sauce before hand, if not hurry your ass and mix it up! Take 2 tablespoons of tamari or 4 tbs of Bragg's Liquid Aminos. Put 2 tbs of sesame oil and a tablespoon of peanut butter. Mix it like all crazy hell and dump it in the wok. Stir this thing around for 5 min. Make sure to spill out half of it on the stove top and let it crust up real hard.

Once the stir fry is done put it in a bowl. If the gods are on your side, your spaghetti should be about done. Drain the fuck out of it. Most brown rice pastas have about a gallon of smegma stuck to them so you need to rinse it in cold water and drain. Throw the pasta into the wok with a lil oil and some tamari. Stir it so it turns dark brown. Throw the tofu and vegetables in and mix it all around. Plate it, add a 2 liter of Sriracha and REVERSE BARF THE HOLY FUCK OUT OF IT!!!!