Friday, July 29, 2011

Vegi Wokery

Vegi Wokery is the first vegetarian restaurant I ever went to. Way back in 97 my old friend Jenny took me there with my buddy Carlos. Jenny ordered the Orange Chicken, Carlos got some drumsticks, I can't remember what I ordered. Now 14 years later the Orange Chicken tastes like poop and the drumsticks are no longer vegan. I don't know what the west coast's problem is, all the vegan junkfood places in NY have no problem getting their hands on vegan drumsticks, LA be slippin. Whatever.

So Vanessa got the Orange Chicken, which is totally different than 14 years ago. The chicken balls are soggy, the sause is overly sweet and she almost broke her teeth biting into a hard, shriveled up orange peel. I got the Bean Curd Sheet in Brown Sauce. I'm down with anything in BROWN sause. Brown is the color of my eyes, the color of my hair, the color of my skin and the color of my doo-doo. Well sometimes my doo-doo is green after I drink a lot of red wine or purple Fadeorade. My dish was dericious. We both got the lunch special, which back in the day, used to be only $4.99. Now it's $6.25, which is still a good deal because you get soup, rice and kimchi with your meal. I get BROWN rice, cause again, I'm proud of my Mexican heritage. The brown rice costs an extra dollar but it is well worth it after you see what it does to your stool. It turns your stomach into a wheat thresher. We also got some pork buns with our meal, I think they cost like 3 bux or something. The soup of the day was miso, sometimes it's hot and sour. I prefer the hot and sour.

Overall I love this place, I usually order bean curd crap or wheat gluten garbage and that shit always tastes good. The same ladies have been working here since I was a teenager and they are kinda like my Chinese moms. I want to steal their pills then have them to drop me off at soccer practice.

4/5 Plunges











Vegi Wokery
11329 183rd Street
Cerritos, CA 90703

(562) 809-3928

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Pitfire Pizza Washington Avenue

Ahhh pizza, my Achilles Heel if you may. When the sheriffs raid my house they will find me lying dead on the living room floor with an empty pizza box next to my head. 

Pitfire Pizza is a little place that opened over a year ago near my old house in Mar Vista. I never went there cause I assumed it was SUPER expensive. The other day my friend Kelly wanted to hang and reverse barf some foodstuffs. Since both her and I were on the westside at the time I suggested Pitfire, she could get some MEATJUNK while I carbbed down on a vegan pie. 

I was right about the prices, they suck. The pizzas are all "California Style" which basically means "Expensive." Cali-style is just hand tossed, rustic, fancy toppings you would never ACTUALLY want on a pizza type pizza. My pizza had olives, cherry tomatoes, spinach, artichokes and daiya cheese. It tasted good, but what made it taste better was the fact that our friend works there and hooked us up with free sangria. I hope he doesn't get fired cause I'm publishing this fact on the internad, but he is the MAN for doing it. Thanks again dood.

3.5/5 Plunges










This is a man SERIOUS about pizza

Pitfire Pizza Company
12924 Washington Blvd, 
Culver City
 (424) 835-4088

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

FUCKING SUMMERTIME!

It's summertime yall, get on your bbqs and make some shit. Super easy life.

Aspergus, Zookz and Shrommz. Put olive oil on them so they don't shrivel up like your shlong does when you jump in the pool. Salt for TASTE. Also make some hummus, FOR THE KIDS!!! Drink tons of beer and do a bunch of drugs, call in sick to work FOR A MONTH!






Thursday, July 21, 2011

Tofu, Dandelion Greens and Vegetable Stir Fry

Right down the street from my moms house is a grocery store called Jon's. Jon's is awesome cause they totally ripped off the name and logo of Vons, also, they are too lazy to spell "John" correctly and lastly, the word "John" means toilet. Some of my favorite words for Toilet are: John, Crapper, Can, Shit-box, Biffy, Terlit, Thunder Mug, Shitter and of course the Throne. While at Jon's I was going through their produce and came across some dandelion greens. I never made anything with dandelion greens before so I picked some up and decided to throw them in a stir fry.

The key to a good stir fry is knowing what goes in when. In art school we all had to read Michael Foucault's "The Order of Things." Basically, from my understanding, in this book he shows you the proper way to make stir fry. You can't just throw everything in the wok all willy-nilly, you have to add certain things at certain times because specific foods cook at specific rates. So here is the proper way to make a stir fry.

Ingredients: Ramen Noodles, Tofu, Baby Bok Choy, White Mushrooms, Green Beans, Bean Sprouts, Dandelion Greens, Onion.


Spices: Garlic Salt, Cayenne Pepper, Onion Powder, Paprika.


Boil some wa wa and throw the ramens in there. You want this to be cooking while you do your cutting.


Dice some touf's.


 Throw the tofu in the wok, add some snoy sause and some SPICES.


While the tofu is cooking, knife rape some green beans.


Let the tofu soak up all the sawse then add the green beans.


Let green beans cook for one minute then add onions.


Let onions cook for one minute then add bok choy Dan.


Cut up dandelion greens.


Let bok choy cook for one minute then add the dandelions.


Cut up the shromms.


Let dandelion greens cook for 1 min then add the shrumz.


While the stir fry is frying you want to make the sauce. You will need sesame seed oil, soy sauce and Oriental seasoning from the ramen.


Put 1 tps oil, 2 tbs soy sause and sprinkle a little bit of the flavor in there. Then stir it.


Lastly add your bean sprouts to the wok, your sause and cook for one minute then plate it.


Now you are gonna make the noodles. By now the ramens should have soaked up all the water. You want to rinse that shit to get rid of excess starch. Throw it in the wok and add some of the oriental flavor and 1 tsp of soy sause. Stir and cook on one side for a minute. Flip the whole mess over like a pancake and cook other side for one minute.


Dump the tofu and veggies on top of the noodles and stir/cook for one more minute.


Put it in a bowl.


Reverse barf. Enjoy. Then hit up the John.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Bak in Cali: Pesto-garlic Fart-a-ganza

So a lot has been going on in my life. I just got back from almost 3 months of vacation. SoCal weather is so freaking nice. Portland was too wet, Iceland too cold and New York too humid. I just want to kick it by the pool at my moms house all summer but I have to get my LosAngelesSwimmin on. I also have zero dollars to my name and am living solely off EBT. So you won't be seeing many restaurant reviews on here, just homebrewed food concoctions, lest one of you fine sirs/madams wants to take a crumb-bum out on a dinner date ;)

Here is a recipe I came up with the night I got back to my moms house. I had some leftovers sitting in my chili pot so I used up all my old food. My mom has a basil plant in the backyard that she never uses so I decided to make PPP (pesto and penne pasta).

Grab some basil from the backyard.




Get some pine nuts, olive oil, garlic and cocaine. 



Throw a cup of fresh basil, 1/4 cup of pine nuts, 3 ears of garlic, 4tbs olive oil and blend in the food processor. Then add 2 tbs nutritional yeast, I mean cocaine. Blend some more.

It should come out looking like this.


Of course you were boiling your pasta this whole time. I use brown rice pasta 'cause I'm trying to cutback on my glootin intake. The trick with brown rice pasta is to rinse the living fuck out of it. Imagine that scene in Pulp Fiction when Vince and Jules blow off Marvin's head in the car and Harvey Keitel has to wash them down with the hose at Quentin Tarantinos house. Yeah, take the pasta out front and wash it off with cold-ass rubber tasting hose water. Then plate it.

Dice up a few tomatoes that are starting to get moldy.


RBFL (Reverse Barf For Lyfe)

I hope yall enjoyed the crappy pictures 'cause there aint gonna be no more. I got an iphone so VBE will be on par with all the other fancy vegan blogs on the interwab (that's internet for beaners). Good to be back home.