New York: Taco Chulo

This is my last New York post, I am actually back in LA doing this write up. I want to thank James, Jason, Kristina, Morgan, Scott, Vanessa, Cecil and Liger for showing me the best time ever in NY. You are all the reason I want to move there. Someone find me a jorb.

Okay, seriously, this place is minus one letter from having the coolest restaurant title ever. Taco Chulo is one of those sitdown beaner food type places, the ones that have really good margaritas. Located in the heart of moustacheville, this seems to be the hip spot for skinny tattooed douches and their hot girlfriends to order "authentic" mexican food. I wouldn't know about the authenticity 'cause I ordered the VEGAN shit on the menu. The beans have no lard nor do the tortillas, the rice is not chicken stock based and the quacamole is not thinned with milk. This place may be authentic for people who live in Williamsburg, but not for hairy real-time beaners from SoCal.

I meet up there with Nesser and Morgue for her 30th bday feast-a-ganza. I didn't order any margaritas 'cause I was broker then a 40 year old's spokes after his first proctologist exam. The party seemed to enjoy their drinks though. We took forever to order cause we are huge dicks, when the food got to us I was very happy. I ordered the Santa Cruz burrito. On the menu it says it's vegan so I just went with it to make things easier, but I did do some substitution. This burrito has sauteed spinach, black beans, avocado, lettuce, salsa and tofu sour cream on a whole wheat tortilla. Well, I got it on a regular bleached flour tortilla because I like to be fat and I also got it with refried pinto beans, because like all mexicans, I am racist against blacks, jk.

This burrito was awesome. Total delicious garbagejunk. It's about the length and width of the average persons forearm and it comes in my favorite type of wrapping, FOIL! I'm like a big retarded bird when it comes to shiny things, but seriously, the ONLY acceptable burrito diaper is foil, paper gets soggy and falls apart making you look like an infant shitbag who can't even face-cram properly. Took me about ten minutes to reverse barf this bad boy. Doused it in a gallon of their green salsa and drank 300 glasses of water cause NY tap water is the shiz-knight.

Afterward we went to Black Sheep Bar around the corner and drank super cheap drinks till we pissed our jeans. Please, whatever you do, do not go to this bar! The hottest bartender in the WORLD works there and I want her all to myself. 

Overall rating. 4/5 Plunges.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MORGAN P
Taco Chulo
318 Grand St # 1, NY