Friday, October 28, 2011

The Frankenstand

I went to Club Los Globos last night to see Ahkiyyini and The Shrine with some homies. After their shred sessions we went out front to drink some beers in the bushes. There were two food carts out front, some hippy Indian truck and The Frankenstand. 


The Frankenstand is a Monster themed all vegan hot dog cart manned by a festive little dude named Raymond who steams the crap out of some Tofurkey dogs. I asked him where he got his steamer from, he said Cleveland :) So the deal with Raymond's cart is he serves all vegan hot dogs. He has 3 options, The Creature, The Witch and The Franken. I went with The Witch.

Named after your mom, this hot dog is a kielbasa steamed in Full Sail Ale. He has an array of CONDOMents in squeeze bottles which include mustard, doo-doo brown mustard, bbq sawse and VAGinaise. He also has a tray of jalapenos, diced onions, sauerkraut and relish. You can pile on as much of this crap as you like. I like the fact that he is non-jewi$h about the Vegenaise, that shit is expensive and he just has it sitting there out in the open, I'm surprised no one has rolled by and jacked that bottle. I put a fuck-ton of Vegenaise, mustard, hot sauze, relish, jalapenos and sauerkraut in true VBE fashion. I love waking up the next morning and running to the can cause I fudged my undies in my sleep.


Raymond and I talked about chili and tacos and a bunch of other crap. He was explained to me the perils of food carting: The drunx, the run-ins with the health inspector and people's confusion about plant based food. He makes it seem so romantic, like drug dealing or whoring. He convinced me to start my own food cart out in New York. We talked about other things he could steam, I told him about an upstate New York recipe for steamed hams, also the football fish would be great to steam and throw up in a taco.


My dog was 5 dollarses, an appropriate price for the convenience of vegan food the second you step out of a club. The condiments make it worth while.

4/5 Plunges






Saturday, October 22, 2011

Cruzer Pizza

I don't care, I'm on a fucking pizza binge right now. All I want is pizza all the fucking time. People are like "Lets get Chinese food" and I'm like, "Fuck you, Pizza." Pizza is a super food, when you eat it, it makes you feel super. Pizza thickens penis girth by at least 35% and boosts the occurrence of flatulence by 62%. If you don't like pizza you are probably stupid, or dead.

I was drinking some margaritas over at El Chavo for Arielle's going away party. I needed to eat so I walked over to Cruzer's. This was the first time I ordered from them since they turned 100% vegan. Inside they have cupcakes, I got one for Arielle, I think it was strawberry flavor. I got the Vegan Meat Pizza. I know you guessed that but I mean really, my rectum was craving some meat (you read that right). I got the large pizza and a cupcake, it ran around 30 bux. I didn't tip because tipping is for the rich.

This pizza is rad. It has an abundance of meats and cheese. Cruzer's knows how to hook it up. It's in the highest echelon of vegan pizzas in LA. They are also 100% vegan so support them.

5/5 Plunges












Cruzer Pizza
4449 Prospect Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90027-5503
(323) 666-0600

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Two Boots Pizza Echo Park

So we just got back from a weekend cliff jumping trip to the Sierra National Forest. There was nothing to eat up there except pine cones and acorns so you can imagine how pissed off my stomach was. It was pretty late Sunday night and I wanted a pizza more than anything. I mean I would have huffed like 20 farts just to eat a slice. Every place around was closed except Two Boots.

This place is right next to The Echo, which sucks cause all the part time punxxx were standin out front being cooler than shit while I was waiting for my slices. I smoked a cigarette and exhaled slowly trying to be as bad-ass as possible. After ten minutes they came out with my slices.

Alright Two Boots, here is why you suck. I ordered the vegan slice called the "Earth Mother." First of all there is no cheese on this pizza. Why would you do this? If we wanted cheeseless pizza we would just order a regular pizza and ask for no cheese. Splurge the extra dollar and throw some Daiya on there. Secondly this pizza had way to much garlic on it. If you went down on a yeast infected dog after eating this pizza it would clear that shit up in like twenty minutes. Lastly they use frozen box spinach on this thing. You can tell cause it's all tangled up and dry as cat shit.

What did bring this pizza out of the craphole was the abundance of toppings and the thick Sicilian crust. It also comes with mushrooms, onions and bell peppers which the don't skimp on. The crust is super fluffy and fills you the fuck up. Oh and the chick working there was pretty hot.

3/5 Plunges











Two Boots Pizza
1818 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026-3227
(213) 413-2668

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Ruffles with Tapatio

So these must be new, I saw them when we stopped at the 7 Eleven in Brawley. I don't know why I got them, Ta-pay-she-oh gives me the worst diarrhea ever, but I had to try them because they are vegan. My consensus, THEY FUCKING SUCK! They taste like someone drained the juice from a dumpster full of adult diapers into a bag full of hamster shavings. Do not be fooled by that paisa and his sombrero, these are not meant for human consumption.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Garage Pizza Downtown

I awaken with a hangover, cranky, dehydrated with a raging boner...for pizza. I wanted to go somewhere besides Purgatory because I'm sick of that place. I consult my Yelp app and they tell me there is a place called Garage Pizza that serves vegan pies. Since I don't hang out with the cool LA vegan crowd, and I don't look at anyone's vegan blog but mine, I never know about new vegan places. I woke up Taryn, started up the van and drove to Garage.

This place is located off of 7th between Spring and Main, which means parking is a bitch-mother. Luckily I found a meter in front of the place and parked the boat. Don't pay for meters if your vehicle is within eyesight, just run out and drop a nickle in when the meter-maid comes to ticket you, then casually flip them off as you walk back to eat.

So I ordered a whole pizza cause this beaner is HUNGRY. It took about 15 minutes for them to make it, so we talked about movies and zombies and crack cocaine. As soon as the pizza got to the table the reverse barfening began. I gave Taryn a slice because she gave me those puppy dog eyes and I couldn't say no. Actually she is so little she can barely finish a slice so I wanted to watch her struggle. The rest of the pizza was all for Homer.

Okay Garage, you should call yourself Garbage. Just cause that name is cooler. The pizza was decent, I mean I may be judging a little less critically because I was HUNGOVER AS SHIT, but the pizza sits somewhere between Cruzer's and Purgatory's in terms of deliciousness. It could definitely use more vegan cheese thats for sure. The toppings were kinda bullshit, thinly chopped onions and bell peppers don't cut it for me. Also the sawse was not the greatest. What did pull this stinko pizza out of the hole was the abundance of Field Roast Snausage and the crust. This was a well baked thin crust pizza, perfect texture and density.

This is my theory about regular pizza places that serve a vegan pie. You are making all your money off of normal pizzas, how often are you selling a vegan pie? Like one in every ten? And the vegan pizzas are always more expensive because of the cost of vegan cheese and meats. Just look at it this way, the normal pizzas are paying for that random vegan pie that gets ordered. You know you are making bank off regular pizzas, have that money fund the vegan shit. Then you can charge regular prices for the vegan pizzas and you don't have to be chunty about toppings and shit. Just my two cents.

3/5 Plunges







Garage Pizza
100 1/2 West 7th Street
Los Angeles, California 90014
(213) 622-3390

Monday, October 17, 2011

Orean

Orelay culos! This is an update about one of the old school Vagitarian spots in Pasadena. I have not been here in a long time so I wanted to see what was up with this amazing establishment.

Orean is the type of restaurant I would open up if I wasn't $80,000 in the hole from student loan debt$$$. This place serves JUNK, straight up garbage, and I FUCKING LOVE IT! They even have a Chooch in their logo. The only problem with this place is not everything is vegan, and when you ask what IS vegan they never give you a straight answer. So I'm gonna tell you from personal experience what is not. The CHEESE is definitely not vegan, neither are the HOT DOGS. The SOFT SERVE is questionable. Everything else seems pretty legit.

This place has added some new shit to the menu since I last came: The Texas BBQ Philly and the Texas Tostada. I did not try either because they both have unfake cheese.

So, I got the Pastrami Dip. This is what I usually order cause it is one of the few samishez that actually gets close to filling me up. You really get your $6.39 worth. This thing has a crapton of wheated meat with grilled onions, bell peppers and pickles. It's greasy as balls and fucking awesome.

Melissa got the Chicken Burger. I'm not sure what patty they use but it looks pretty good. She liked it. This place has potential but it really needs more people to walk up and DEMAND vegan cheese and other shit made vegan. The burden is on your shoulders citizens of Pasadena.

3/5 Plunges







Orean Health Food Express
817 North Lake Avenue
Pasadena, CA  
91104
(626) 794-0861