EarthMatters Cafe

Van Am and I were meeting up with ScoOt Ward on the lower east side. We were both hungover and cranky and needed to carb hard. There is this hippy grocery store off Ludlow that has an expensive cafe. We went in and ordered some crap.

The staff behind the counter were all stoned out of their minds, either that or they are so high on hippy life that they cannot utter a coherent sentence. Nobody there knew anything, which made it difficult because I wanted my sammich vegan and I had to figure out on my own what ingredients were not vegan.


I got the Unchicken Sandwich. It came with a choice of spread, the chick asked me which one I wanted, I said "your thighs," she didn't get it. I got the Black Olive spread instead. Nesser ordered the Veggie Club.


My food was okay, I mean it was good but in that "love the one your with" sorta way. Like, you know when you don't really like someone, but they keep hanging out anyway for some stupid reason? Then like you start to find reasons to like them just because you have to. Well this sandwich was kinda like that. At the beginning, the soggy fake meat slush was not cuttin it, but by the end I wanted another one.


I had a bite of Nessas club. They burnt the bacon and it was a little too dry. I mean it was still good but not fantastic.

3/5 Plunges 

EARTHMATTERS
177 LUDLOW STREET
NEW YORK, NY 10002

Co Co Lin Vegetarian House

Sup dogs? This review is for a place in Ridgewood called Co Co Lin's. Van Am and I were checking out places to rent in the area and we stopped at this little place to get our reverse barf on. There are many Chinese vegan places like this in LA, but this place had something that I've never before reverse barfed: Drumsticks with sugar cane bones.

These things are fucking stupid rad. I want someone with a potato gun to stand at the end of the room and shoot these little fuckers into my foodhole. On any given day I could probably eat about 400 of these things, maybe on a good day I could eat like 6 thousand. I'm super pumped in the ass to be living within walking distance of this place. I will probably just sit out front of the place and beg for change to buy these little things.

We also got an order of chow mAng with beefs.

4/5 Plunges

Co Co Lin Vegetarian House
64-19 Fresh Pond Rd
Queens, NY 11385

CHIPPOS

When I was in Montreal they had these at the gas station. They are pretty fucking good.

VEGAN BUTTHOLE THANKSGIVING 2011

Sup culos and culas! This year I got to make thanksgiving dinner over at Vanessa America's house. I don't really celebrate this holiday because I hate white people, but it is always a good excuse to eat a fart-ton of food and drink till I pass out.

We made a feast of feasts. Morgan, Vanessa, Joel and I gorged until our bellies exploded. We probably pooped around 600 times between the four of us. It was awesome.

Food pictured (not in order):
Tofurky, Marsh Portatozes, Graavy, Enchiladidos, Sausage Stuffed Portadildo Mushrooms, Massaged Kale Salad, Bruzel Sprowtz and Turnips, Ranch Dip and Pumpkin Pie.

Sadie's Diner Tornoto Canada

So the Shrine played at the Horseshoe Tavern in Toronto and we all got pretty trashed. This dude Darko let us stay at his place for the night. We all slept on the floor of his studio and he woke us up with eggs and bacon, too bad I'm vegan or I woulda ate the fuck out of that shit. So instead I walked down the street to Sadie's Diner.

Sadie's is a small place off Queens road. It took me a minute to find the place. I got in, sat down and the hottest waitress in the universe took my order. I wanted to go into the bathroom and pound off before I ate but I'm sure it would have been obvious with all the semen dripping from the ceiling.

I ordered the Tofu Scramble which came with potatoes, sausage, toast and a slice of watermelon. I threw the watermelon slice out the window and began scarfing down my feast. The scramble was tasty, it had sun-dried tomatoes in it. The potatoes were a little dry but I drenched them with hot sauce so they tasted pretty good. The sausage looks like it's Worthington brand canned snausage deep fried to sexual perfection. The toast was wheat.

The food was pretty standard for vegan diner garbage, but the price and portion made it totally worth it. I had to get a to-go box which sucked because the waitress probably thought I was a wimp for not eating all my food. Whatever, you can't win 'em all.

3.5/5 Plunges

Sadie's Diner
504 Adelaide Street West
Toronto, ON M5V 1T5
Canada

Fong's Pizza Des Moines IA

The Shrine was playing a random show in Des Moines. We got to town early and needed to carb hard. I walked into this place across the street from the venue to use the can, while I was waiting I looked at the menu and randomly they had vegan pizza. Well, I knew where I was eating tonight.


This place has tons of regular pizza choices, with strange things like the Taco Pizza with beans and lettuce on top. They have a vegan pizza with Daiya and a choice of 4 toppings. I got the large Saucy Vegan 16 inch thin crust pizza with mushrooms, olives, spinach and artichoke hearts.


When the pizza arrived I was pumped to see it was stacked with toppings. Midwesterner are fat lards, and they don't fuck around with portions. If there ain't an overabundance of crap slopped on their pizza, they will have a fat heart attack. The pizza was decent, it would actually be amazing if they didn't use Del Monte pasta sauce, yes fuckers, I can tell. The least you could do is use Del Monte as a base and spice it up with some sauteed garlic and some other crap, but nope, you lazy Midwesterners are lazy. Other than that the pizza was good.


So I was bragging to the Shrine that I can eat a whole pizza. Which I normally can, but I tried this time and totally failed. There are a few reasons why I can not eat as much as I used to. Drugs and depression knocked down my eating abilities after my breakup with exTina, also being poor as fuck I lost a lot of weight not eating all the time. My bell-bell has shrunk. Once I get a job and make a fuckton of money again I'm sure my gut will stretch out and I can once again fill it with pizza and corndogs and nachos and all the other crap that deserves to be in there.

This place also serves Tiki Drinx. Court got the Blowfish drink, it was pretty gross.

3/5 Plunges

Fong's Pizza
223 4th St
Des Moines, IA
50309-2205
(515) 323-3333

Marquis Pizza Denver Colorado

It's been so many days
And we tried every way
We knew of a Masterplan
So put the Pizza in my hand...IN MY HAND!

So on the way to New York I caught a ride with my good friends The Shrine. They are on tour with Fu Manchu so I got a free ride from LA to NY. As you all know road food sucks when you are vegan. Taco Bell and Kettle Chips just don't cut it. We rolled into Denver on the 3rd day of the tour and I needed some real food.

Luckily, right around the corner from the venue was a pizza place called Marquis Pizza. There was a show that night at the place but they have a separate entrance if you just want to order pizza to go.

This place serves unvegan pizzas but they have vegan ones with Daiya cheese. I got a large 2 topping pizza with mushrooms and green olives. This pizza was FUCKING AMAZING. The crust, sawse and abundance of cheese rocked my dickhole. The saltiness of the olives soaking into the cheese made the pizza. I wanted to order another one and cram it in my butthole so I had something to eat on the road, but I spent more than 20 bux on the first one, and that was my spending limit for the day.

Denver is a nice place, I would never live there but I would definitely come back to horf down more of this delicious garbage.

4/5 Plunges

Marquis Pizza
2009 Larimer Street
Denver, CO 80205-2014
(303) 292-2829

Last Meal LA Veggie Grill El Segundo

I got lucky to get a last meal from Melissa before I left LA.

Here is a list of some serial killers last mealseszz.
Ted Bundy- Burrito and Mexican Rice
John Wayne Gacy- Kentucky Fried Chicken, Fried Shrimp, French Fries, strawberries and Diet Coke.
Jeffrey Dahmer- Black Dick Sandwich with a side of Balls

I got to eat Nachos and the V burger from Veggie grill. Melissa ate the Chicken sammich.

Veggie grill became my favorite burger place in LA. Their burgers are delicious and it's cafe seating so you don't have to tip. The one in Smell Segundo was pretty close to my old work so I used to go there all the time. It's definitely full of jerk-off douche-wads, but I usually just eat outside, away from their mindless conversations about yoga classes, sport utility vehicles and scented candles.

GOOD BYE LA! I'm gonna miss you and your vegan garbages. You have treated me well.

4/5 Plunges

Veggie Grill
720 Allied Way
El Segundo, CA 90245