VEGAN BUTTHOLE EXPLOSION: Paulie Gee's Pizza Greenpoint

Yo yo yo fuckholes! This post is about a pizza place in Greenpoint called Paulie Gee's. Vanessa wanted to go here for a long time cause she heard all about how amazing this fucking pizza was. We rolled up hungry as farts after moving all her shit and were ready to carb.

This place makes fancy traditional Italian pizzas (fresh toppings and a small dollop of cheese). Maybe I'm just not as cultured as the rest of the world but I like my pizza cheesy, greasy and dripping with fart-juice.

We ordered the In Ricotta Da Vegan which is a clever name pun on a crappy Iron Butterfly song. This pizza has Italian Tomatoes, House Made Vegan Fennel Sausage, House Made Cashew Ricotta Dollops, Baby Arugula and Extra Virgin Olive Oil. We figured since the pizza was 18 bux that we could split it and be full. WE WERE DEAD WRONG.

Okay, I hope Paulie Gee has his pants down already cause I'm about to rip him a new b-hole. He actually came up to us and asked how the pizza was, we were blunt and honest. We told him our opinion and he replied, "Well go get pizza somewhere else then." It's cool to ask your patrons what they think of your food, but when they are honest you aren't supposed to be a huge shlong about it.

The pizza was average. Nessa liked the crust but I was not a huge fan. It was too doughy for me, it kinda tasted like if you made a pizza out of silly putty. The Vegan Ricotta was of mediocre taste, I can make a better vegan ricotta with a bag of 7-11 cashews and tap water. Arugula on a pizza is not my thing but I can see how some people may like it. The redeeming qualities were the sausage and the sawze. The only issue is they skimp majorly on both of these. The homemade snausage is great, it tastes a little better than Light Life but grosser than Field Roast. The sause is actually pretty good, maybe if Paulie put a LITTLE MORE on the fucking thing it would be slightly better.

Remember, us food critics are not just here to entertain, we also provide an honest (and free) service to restaurants. Take our advice, bite your tongue and realign the cosmos.

Oh, and afterward, Nessy and I went to Vinnie's to get some GOOD TASTING pizza.

2/5 Plunges