Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Viva Herbal Pizzaera East Village

Sup buttholes? The other day I needed pizza. I know you weenies cry like little hungover bitches about pizza but I REALLY need pizza. I have a horrible pizza addiction problem that will make any heroin junkie hand over his needle. I need pizza like a gay man needs cock, I NEED IT! I need it all over my face, I need it in my mouth, I need it inside me all the time. Mike and Raph step aside when the see me walk into the pizzeria.

Cafe Viva Herbal Natural Pizzeria or whatever the internet calls it is a small pizza shack in the East Village. They serve vegan and un-vegan pizzas and a bunch of other crap. It is pretty cramped inside so expect to breath in other peoples gross garlic breath.

This place serves single slices of vegan pizza, they also have whole wheat crust, corn meal crust, spelt crust and some butt crust I left on the folding chair. I have a gluten intolerance, but I still eat the crap out of pizza. I ordered a spelt slice so my stomach and I would not have a samurai showdown in the can later on that night. One slice was called the Seitan Dream, yeah. It had spelt crust, seitan, artichokes, onion and sun dried tomatoes. The other slice had daiya, onions and red peppers. I ate both like there was no tomorrow.

The pizzas here are awesome, definitely one of the best pizza places in New York. I give it 4 out of 5 plunges. Congrats Viva Herbal!






Viva Herbal
179 2nd Ave, New York 10003
Between 11th and 12th.

Monday, February 27, 2012

'sNice West Village

Alright, now I finally have some free time to update. The other week I was working this taxi job and I was in the West Village a lot. I yelped "vegan crap" on my phone and 'sNice popped up. So I drove around for an hour looking for parking then went in to eat.

This place was crammed wall to wall with artsy vegan nerds, it seriously looked like an Apple commercial. I walked up to the counter and looked at the menu. Most of the crap on there is vegan, all the other garbage is just vegetarian. If you have been here before and are a fan of my blog I'm sure you could figure out what I ordered. The CHICKEN POT PIE WRAP! I almost ripped a hole in my jeans with how big my boner popped.

While waiting for my food I took a giant dump in the bathroom. When I got out my food was waiting for me. My upside-down frown turned to a regular frown after I took the first bite. The fucking wrap was cold. Like, it's not meant to be a cold wrap, they just had issues microwaving it. So yeah, besides the giant cold spot in the middle of my wrap it was actually pretty delicious. Tastes like if you put a pot pie inside a wrap :P

3/5 Plunges








'sNice West Village
45 8th Ave
(between Jane St & West 4th St)
New York, NY 10014

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Uncle Ray's Hot Chips

Last week I got a job driving photographers around to different runway shows for fashion week. It was six 12+ hour days straight of driving. I would get 20 minute breaks in which I would smoke a cigarette, piss in bottles and frantically drive to a Mc Donalds or Starbucks to shit. If you are unaware, it is next impossible to pee or crap in this city, and if you do find a terlet, there is never and TP. I probably wiped my ass with over 300 napkins last week.

Well, like a moron I would forget to bring a lunch to work so I was forced to eat road food. There is nothing too exotic out here, I ate mostly trail mix and bags of chips. One bag of chip caught my eye right away, Uncle Ray's Hot Chips. Imagine a poor little kid in Mexico, all he eats is tortillas and hot sawse. Since there is not much to do in Mexico he just pounds off all day. After about 6 or 7 stroke sessions the jizz stops coming out and his shlong gets pretty sweaty and salty from all that cranking. Well, slide your tongue along the underside of his shaft, that's what these chips taste like.

I'm not gonna lie, I did eat the whole bag despite how putrid they tasted, but only because I am in constant war with my stomach. My gut is always telling me when to eat and poop. I don't like to be bossed around, so I punish him by feeding him total garbage from time to time. So next time your crap factory wants you to poop right in the middle of a road trip or pumping your girlfriend, eat a bag of hot chips and keep that fucker in check.


Friday, February 17, 2012

Siggy's Brooklyn Heights

Yo yo yo yo yo yo waaaazzzupppppp!?!?!?!?!?!??!?

The other day I was down in Brooklyn Heights, Mary and I had some time to kill before we watched Twin Peaks. Brooklyn Heights is a hell hole, there is nothing but moms and kids dicking off all day. I find it interesting that baby strollers are exactly fart level with my butt, makes you wonder if there really is a god out there.

We decided to get our reverse barf on at a place called Siggy's. This is one of those places that serves meated meals, but has a few vegan options. Mary got the Garden Veggie Sandwich with Tempeh Bacon and I got the Veggie Burger with Tempeh Bacon and an order of sweet potato fries.

The food was decent, nothing to scream about. They also have vegan brownies which are pretty good. If you are ever stuck dodging boogers and diapers in this god forsaken part of town, check out Siggy's. Do it FOR THE KIDS!

3/5 Plunges








Siggy's Good Food
76 Henry Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201-6859

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Quantum Leap Greenwitch Village

So I got off work the other day and Caridad wanted to get linner before she went to class. She mentioned Quantum Leap, a vegetarian restaurant near Washington Square Park. I left the puppy factory and got my ass over there.


The place was pretty dead around 4pm, there was a few customers but we basically had the place to ourselves. Our waitress smelled like freshly chewed gum. We split the chicken nuggets, Caridad got the unvegan enchiladas and I got the lentil walnut burger with fries.



The nuggets I'm pretty sure are boca burger nuggets, they came with BBQ sauze, were deep fried and delicious. Caridad was pleased with her enchiladas, my burger was average and the fries were crispy and good.



Okay here is where the rant starts. Why can't any restaurant make their own veggie burger that doesn't crumble apart like a Doberman turd? Is it really that difficult to do? I have never had a good grilled vegan burger that is not made by boca, gardenburger or morningstar. I want a stiff, hard, dark, meaty, veiny, throbbing vegan patty, none of this dirt clod veggie burger shit. ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!


3/5 Plunges











Quantum Leap

226 Thompson St
(between Bleecker St & 3rd St)
New York, NY 10012

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Fridgewich

So I have been super busy doing a billion things, hence the lack of updates. I got a job dog walking and puppy sitting, it is probably the most rewarding job I have ever had. I get the keys to apartments from rich people in Manhattan and take their little poo-machines on jaunts around the neighborhood. It is good exercise, I get to visit neighborhoods I normally would never go to and I get to play with puppies all day! Here is a pix of a little cutie named Mulberry, I get paid to tickle his belly.

Okay, back to the Foodening. I had a jizz-ton of food in the fridge and was hungover as dogballs. I decided to make a sammich with everything that was sandwich related. This was a triple decker deal that included Portabella Mushrooms, Carmelized Onions, Fried Tofu, Italian Deli Tofurkey Slices, Mozzarella Daiya, Tomatoes, Vaginaise and Mustard. I fried the crap out of the bellas and toufs, stacked it higher than a tweeker on Tuesday and reverse barfed the living fuck out of it. So next time you make a sandwich, make it as EXTREME as possible, no holds barred my friends.