Camino Real Restaurant Bakersfield

Really though, wtf was I doing in Bakersfield of all places in the universe. Well, the crew just got done toobin the Kern River over the weekend and we needed to stop and re-carb our grundles. We all piled out of the party van and descended upon Camino Real 12 deep. They were in for a surprise.

Since we were all ripe and smelling delicious, they sat us at the bar section of the place. This was a good thing cuz some crappy mariachi band was killing eardrums in the restaurant part. We took FOREVER to order so while we waited everyone drank around 30 Bloody Mary's each.

This place actually has a vegetarian menu, it's small but they had what I was looking for. Soyrizo Tacos. These came in a soft shell with cilantro, onions, saltsa, gwak, cheese and sour cream. I had to tell them no to the last two. After a good 20 min our food came, I wasn't that cranky cuz we had enough chips and salsa to feed a hippo.

The tacos were mediocre. In fact all they needed was some salt, and they would have been better if the shells were fried. Oh well. After we ate Matt and I had to poo hella bad and the Mens restroom was occupied, so the waitress let us poop in the Womens. We had a delightful plop and left it real fragrant for the women banging at the door. They get an extra plunge for being good sports.

3/5 Plunges

Camino Real Restaurante
3500 Truxtun Ave
Bakersfield, CA 93301

Long Beach Vegan Eatery

When the fuck did this place pop up? Okay, so I realized this is the defining place for veganism. There are 2 types of vegans in this world:
1. Faggy yoga hippies who like raw kale and sprouts.
2. Junk food vegans who like hot dogs and sloppy joes.

This is the reason why they have 3 stars on Yelp. Half of the people hate the place cuz nothing is organic and the other half love the place cuz the food is greasy and awesome. I'm pretty sure by now you can tell what type of vegan I am.

This place is in the middle of nowhere and a little expensive, but the food is pretty decent. I got the Chicken Parmesan sandwich and Ryan got the California Chicken sammich. We also got an order of chips and gwak while we waited for our food.

The guac sucked bad, tasted like it was made by white people, oh yeah, IT WAS MADE BY WHITE PEOPLE. Pretty much the whitest dudes ever, one of them even had some shitty English accent. On the other hand the girl who brought us our food was amazingly hot, I would give her some of the ol' in-out in-out if you know what I'm getting at ;)

So guacamole and penetration aside, the rest of the food was
awesome/sick/dope/sweet/rad/bitchen/tits. My shit was 9 bux, but honestly it was the best 9 bux I ever spent. When I bit into my sandwich it felt like Jesus ejaculated down my throat. Later on that night I had a parmesan butt baby, ejaculate conception if you may. Ryan's shit was good, he didn't like it that much but that's cuz he leans slightly toward the frooty side of the vegan spRectrum.

Aside from the gwak mishap I give this place a solid 4/5 plunges. Enjoy it LBVE, you earned it!

 

Long Beach Vegan Eatery
2246 N Lakewood Blvd
Long Beach, CA 90815
(562) 986-5283

Corner Pizzeria Eagle Rock

PIZZZZZZAAAAAA!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!1

So the age old question has been asked, if you had to live the rest of your life without pizza or burritos, which would you choose? The paisa in me would say pizza, but the hairy dude in me says burritos. Honestly, if I had to live in a world without either I would kill myself.

Okay, I overheard Saehee talking about this new pizza place in Eagle Rock. Since it is only a 10 min drive from where I'm staying, Melissa and I headed over there for a last minute carb sesh. This place has vegan pizzas as well as unvegan ones, they also sell other crap for some god forsaken reason. Who would want to eat anything besides pizza at a pizzeria?

We were the last people in there before closing and I'm sure they were happy to see our faces. Melisser got a giant unvegan cheese slice and I ordered a LARGE sausage and daiya pie.

This pizza sucks. It's really heartbreaking when pizza sucks, like meeting your favorite actor or athlete and they're a huge dick to you. The crust tastes like the ceiling of an office building, you know that perforated white panel crap. The sause is mediocre and they don't put enough toppings on it. I still ate the whole fucking pie in under 3 minutes, but that's only cuz I'm part Ninja Turtle.

2/5 Plunges

Corner Pizzeria
2136 Colorado Blvd Unit B
Eagle Rock, CA 90041
323-255-8500

Quintessence East Village

I was milking all the goodbye meals from my New York friends. Vanessa went ape shit and took us out to this crazy expensive raw place called Quintessence in the East Village. This is the type of place that I imagine yoga bitches eating at after a delightful stretch in the park.

We ordered the Ravioli's which were like little soggy tacos jizzled with pesto sawse, they were pretty fucking good. Then we got the Scallion Cheese Rolls which are basically mini nori burritos that exploded with flavor semen in our moufs. The last thing we got was some root vegetable soup thingy, it was dark and brown and tasted like dirt, but the good kind of dirt, the dirt that sells for like 300 bux a pound in Japan.

Raw food is definitely not my deal, especially EXPENSIVE raw food, but this place was actually good. I wanted to reverse barf like 20 more of those raliovies but we would have walked away with a $200 bill.

Afterward we walked over to Lulu's Apothecary and got a cup of Cake Batter iced cream. It tasted like Playdough.

4/5 Plunges

Quintessence
263 E 10th Street
East Village, NYC

Bliss Cafe Williamsburg

Okay, so right before I moved from New York Caridad took me out on a goodbye lunch date. She had to be at class by 2pm so we had to meAt up in Williamsburg to face cram. She mentioned Bliss Cafe and I said sure, why not? Even though Vanessa warned me about this place months earlier.

God does this place suck. Most of their food is unvegan with a few regular vegan options. I went down the menu list and picked out the most appetizing sounding item, the Seitan Steak Sandwich. Can't go wrong with Satan, steak or witches right? Well let me tell you...

First of all the bread sucks. Tasted like a duck farted in the bread box. The seitan was good but there was nowhere near enough of it in the sammich. It did come with Daiya on it which made my b-hole happy. The onions were not caramelized and the coleslaw sucked dog dick.

I also got an order of the 3 bean chili. Funny thing was we only needed one more bean to make it a 3 bean lunch (that was a joke about Caridad and I being Mexican). The chili was actually pretty good, soupy and brown just like I like it. It came with tortilla chips, they were probably organic.

Man it feels so great shit talking a restaurant over 2500 miles away. What can they do? NOTHING! And this isn't Yelp where they can ask to take it down. Sorry guys I'm just being a huge shlong. This place isn't that bad, just not that great.

2/5 Plunges

Bliss Cafe
191 Bedford Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Adam's Mountain Cafe Manitou Springs, CO

So I'm not sure if this place burned down in the fire but I'm gonna go ahead and review it anyway. Back on our road trip Melissa and I stopped in Manitou Springs Colorado to play skee(t)ball and eat some natural garbage. We dropped in at Adam's Mountain Cafe ready to carb hard.

After waiting 30 minutes we were finally seated and ordered a couple beers while we perused the menu. I ordered the Vegetable Burrito sans cheddar and crema ácida. Melissa ordered a giant plate of un-vegan nachoz.

Now there is one thing you don't do to a manbear, and that is make him wait to eat. I get hella crankers if I don't reverse barf every 3 hours or so. After waiting a good 40 minutes our food was served to us.

Thank god this burrito was as big as my leg or else I would have flipped out on everyone. I should have figured it out when I saw the little signs on all the tables warning people that the food will take forever to make. My advice to you is go there when you are not too hungry, that way you won't freak the fuck out and slit throats cuz the food is taking too long.

3/5 Plunges

Adam's Mountain Cafe
934 Manitou Avenue # 102
Manitou Springs, CO 80829