Saturday, October 27, 2012

Peach and Pear Cafe. Leeds, England

Oh god I want to start this but I have to poop, brb.

Okay, much better. Last night I had some champagne and it's pressure washing my insides right now. The dude at the corner store is getting rich selling me tp at a buck a roll. Alright, feces aside, here is the review of Peach and Pear Cafe in Leeds.

So this was the third night of The Shrine European Tour 2012 and I didn't get much to eat the first few days. Being vegan in the United Kingdom sucks dogballs. I'm pretty sure you all know the reputation English food has, it is almost as horrible as their teeth. I wasn't expecting the best food in the universe walking into Peach and Pear but I was expecting something better than potato chips and peanuts... wishful thinking.

I ordered the Thai Vegan Burger which is, essentially, a burger patty with lettuce and a tofu slice on top. What made it "Thai" was the addition of a tomato and cucumber slice and some Thai chili sauze. It also came with fries. I walked back to the venue and ate in the dressing room.

I want to all caps the next phrase, WORST BURGER EVER. This burger tasted like the cook boiled some hot dogs and used the hot dog flavored water to fry the burger in. The texture was akin to eating the insoles from an old pair of Converse, I imagine pitbulls having a hard time chewing through this thing. Not only did it taste horrible, I was cursed with hot dog flavored burps the rest of the night, which made it difficult to spit game. The fries, or "chips" as they call them out there, were actually pretty good, but not good enough to make up for that travesty of a burger.

If, for some nutsack reason, you are stuck in the shit-pit of West Yorkshire named Leeds, please god please do not eat at this fart-shack. Go get some thai food or some ching-chong chineeee takeaway. I'm surprised my future butthole didn't time travel 6 hours back in time to tell me not to eat here.

1/5 Plunges




Peach and Pear Cafe
92 Brudenell Road
Leeds, LS6 1EG, United Kingdom
0113 274 4556

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Mi Va Mi L'Authentique Falafel, Paris France

Alright, so I ate a lot of falafel on tour with The Shrine and Fu Manchu and I'm only gonna review the best falafel. Everyone talks about how great the food is in France, but when you're vegan France is the WORST place for food. French people fucking suck hard, they are the worst people in the world when it comes to food. They would kill a baby deer just to eat its eyeball and throw the rest of the carcass in a dumpster. They are what is wrong with the world. French cuisine is total bullshit, hundreds of years of culinary garbage and the rest of the world sucks their dick for it. FUCK THAT. So while in France I only ate un-French food.

Mi Va Mi is a small falafel shop in the Jewi$h district of France called Le Marais. During World War 2 the Jews turned into pussies and let Hitler and the SS boss them around, they went into hiding and no falafels were served in Le Marais between 1939 and 1945. After we bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the Jews got their own nation called Israel and they were allowed to make falafels again.

So The Shrine and I walked from this girl Laura's place to shit-cram some deep fried garbage. The line to the place was a billion people long and French people are total dicks that cut in line. The French are like little children who never grew up or learned to share, I swear they learned how to act by watching the Problem Child trilogy. Whatever, fuck them. So this place is across the way from some other fancy falafel place called L'As du Fallafel which we didn't go to cuz it's expensive as crap and overrated (also it was closed). We all ordered the same shit and reverse barfed the FUCK out of it.

I can't really explain what goes on in my head when I eat delicious food. Real good food takes you back to a time when you still believed in Santa, a time of innocence before you walked in on your dad butt-pounding your mom. Amazing food will transport your brain into other dimensions, it will transcend space and time, you become one with the taste that permeates your palate. When we die, I wholeheartedly believe we are reincarnated as our favorite food and we become someone else's favorite dish. We get to make another persons life beautiful and meaningful and it is then, and only then, that we experience oneness with the universe.

4/5 Plunges





Mi-Va-Mi
23 Rue des Rosiers 75004
Paris, France

Friday, October 19, 2012

Baklust, The Hague. The Netherlands

So The Shrine finished their European Tour and we ended up in The Hague for five days to record their upcoming album. The Hague is a pretty gnarly place, first of all it's called the haWg, secondly it rains 24/7 here, thirdly we are staying in this dude Guy's dungeon while recording, it reeks of mold and sewage and I'm pretty sure it's haunted. Since I'm the only vegan in the tour van I dragged the other 6 dudes to go eat some vegan crap at this place called Baklust. The crazy part about this place is Guy's wife Doreen works there and she let us chill for hours checking our Instagrams on the wifi.

This place is not 100% vegan, but they make a few delicious vegan dishes. I got the Seitan Sandwitch and Court got the Empanadas. Everyone else got egg/cheese crap so they could stink up the dungeon more so. The food here is pretty decent, but I'm not gonna lie, it definitely needed some salt. After dumping half the shaker on my meal I commenced the reverse barfage. Courts empandadas were pretty good, they had some black bean and cashew cheese filling.

After we cram-jammed we walked around in the rain chasing seagulls and yelling at old people.

3/5 Plunges





Baklust
Veenkade 19 2513 EG
Den Haag, The Netherlands