Orochon Ramen Challenge

Last night we possed up to Orochon Ramen in Little Tokyo to reverse barf some food before we went to see ACXDC and Vitamin X at the Key Club. It was a very busy Saturday night so we put in our names and went back to the van to pound some beers before they sat us. We got a spot outside in the rain, which was actually kinda nice since it wasn't too cold out and I was gonna be sweating real hard, real soon.

This place is known for their famous ramen eating challenge. Basically, you eat this gigantic bowl of super butt-burning spicy hot ramen under half an hour and you get your picture taken and thrown on the wall of fame. Normally their ramen has pork and other meats in it, but you can get it made vegetarian if you ask. I got the Special #2 with Miso Broth. We were eleven deep, four of us submitted the challenge. The other dudes/bros that did the challenge got unvegan ramens and would later go on to attributing my triumph/their loss to this.

So yeah, I won. There was one point halfway through were I was about to give up, but my homies kept the faith and pushed me onward. I wont tell you my secret to winning, but I will tell you that it's all in your head. If you think you can win, you will. The other dudes didn't even get halfway through their bowls before throwing in the towel. And yeah, the food was spicy but not unbearable, it was more of the amount of food coupled with the spice that made it difficult.

After I drank the last of the broth and those crazy asian waitresses took my picture, I immediately went to the bathroom and regular barfed all over the place. I have no idea why restaurants would ever do food challenges, their janitors must be crazy masochists. I'm sure they will be scrubbing my barf off the ceiling for the next week.

The ramen was actually pretty delicious, but it's difficult to enjoy the food when you are speed-cramming it down your spice hole. The broth is tasty and they have tofus to throw in there for proteins. I would go back to just eat anytime. Also, if you expect to do anything for the next few hours after accepting the challenge, it better be at your own house, or else be sure to be within 30 feet of a line-free public toilet, lest you enjoy walking around in soggy jeans all night.

3/5 Plunges

Orochon Ramen
123 Astronaut E S Onizuka Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012
(213) 617-1766

Early Thanksgiving

Okay, so I have been adamantly anti-Thanksgiving since I was a wee crust punk but, as the years go by, one understands that Thanksgiving is more about hanging with friends, drinking beer and cramming your suck-hole so full of fake meats that your dick explodes than praising a bunch of white people for helping the Indians stay alive during colonial times. Since I am an impatient little shit I wanted to eat a fake meat roast before the last Thursday of this month, I crave fake meat like a gay craves cock meat, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH! So Melissa and I drove over to Figueroa Produce to get a soy/wheat football.

I was searching for Tofurkey but when I opened the freezer case I saw they had Match Meat Premium Vegan Stuffed Holiday Roast. My balls dropped, I knew I was in love. I bought the meat sack with my EBT card and drove way over the speed limit back to The Hub to start cooking this bad boy.

I chose to make this roast with a bunch of vegetables and gravy. I threw some carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, celery, asparagus, mushrooms, garlic and squash in with that shit. The gravy is made with mushrooms, garlic, margarine, flour and water. Melissa made a pot pie which had crumbled up Boca Burger meat, peas, carrots, corn and potatoes. My rectum was clenched the entire time it was in the oven, I wanted to face-cram that shit so bad I couldn't wait.

The food was so fucking good, Melissa can pot a good pie. I'm sold on the Match Meat Turkey, they definitely know how to match my meat, but in all honesty, Tofurkey is still the owner of my heart. So many years of Tofurkey roasts and leftover turkey sandwiches, I think I like it more for nostalgic reasons than for taste. Both fake meats make my butthole shoot streams of rrhea, but Match definitely tastes better with more of a fake turkey texture.

Here are the recipes for everything above: Buy food, cook it, eat it.

POTTED PIE

TURKEY, VEGETABLES GRAVY

THE REVERSE BARFENING

Hermans Tradgardscafe Stockholm, Sweden

So we stayed the night at some random 19 year old girls parent's house that we met at the skatepark and around 11am her mom kicked us out for stinking up the place. The rest of the band took off to go meAt up on foreign sausage while Jeff Murray and I cruised over to this vegan cafe along the shore.

We walked into this place and there were a billion moms and children eating all loud, smacking their lips, chewing with their mouths open and dumping bowls of spaghetti on their heads. I was not too hungover so I could deal with this bullcrap, but I was still cranky too see that many children in one place. Restaurants should be for single people who want to face-cram and perv out on other people face-cramming, not for families who have kitchens at home to cook their shitty food. If I ever open a restaurant there will be a huge sign saying NO CHILDREN and if some little shithead crumb-cruncher rolls up thinking he's gonna eat in my place I'll kick his ass and play "You Got Another Thing Coming" or "Give 'em the Boot" or some song he won't know cuz hes too young and retarded to have heard good music

This place is 100% vegetarian and the day I was there all the food was vegan. I think some days they only have vegan food and others they serve dairy/cow squirts. The place is an all-you-can-eat brunch type thingy with some of the best food I had in all of Europe. They have this vegan Shepherds Pie which made my cock explode, I went back for quadruples. All the other food was decent but that pie man, dang, I wish I had some right now. After we ate I had to shit uncontrollably so I went upstairs to show Sweden how we Americans get down on the plumbing, and yeah, I clogged it.

4/5 Plunges

Hermans Vegetariska Restaurang & Trädgårdscafé
Fjällgatan 23B 116 28
Stockholm, Sweden 08-643 94 80

ViVA Karlsruhe, Germany

Some crazy shit went down while we were in Karlsruhe, long story short, the tour van got broken into and a bunch of shit got stolen. We had to go to the gestapo station to file a police report before we drove to Switzerland. While the rest of the band was dealing with the bullshit, I walked over to this little vegetarian place up the way called ViVA.

This spot is basically a high end cafeteria near some fancy mall in town. They serve vegan and vegetarian food by the pound or gram or whatever fucking system of measurement they use in Germany. Each item is labeled vegan/vegetarian as to not confuse anyone. I piled a bunch of crap on the plate and paid the fat lady working there. I sat down to reverse barf and realized I needed some water. I walked up to the self-serve water spout and poured a glass and immediately got yelled at. Apparently you have to pay to drink water in this cUntry.

Okay, the food. Of course I don't recall what I piled on my plate, I also don't know what it was to begin with since all the labels were in Deutsch. So lets take a look-see. I see some Chinese Cabbage up in the front there, some Potatoes next to that crap, behind that is some weird red barf looking garbage, to the left of that are some BALLS and then some Brown Rice way in the back there. The only thing that really stood out were the BALLS. Everybody can appreciate a good set of balls, I believe these were vegan Kofta Balls which I've never had before. Throb approves. Other than the balls this food is mediocre at best.

3/5 Plunges

ViVA
Lammstraße 7a 76133
Karlsruhe, Germany
0721 23293