Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Noble Pie Reno

Sup bungholers, this post is about a pizza place in Reno Nevada called Nobel Pie. Melissa and I were stuck in Reno cuz of some shitty storm so we found a room at the Flamingo Motel in the sketchiest part of town. Since we were naked within the first 2 minutes of entering the room we chose to order pizza delivery so we wouldn't have to put clothes on. I looked up "Vegan Pizza" on yelp and Noble Pie was the first result.

This review is for delivery, we actually never went inside the restaurant. I can imagine a billion old drunk dads watching football while their fat wives and farty children sit around cramming their faces with oversized cheese triangles.

The delivery guy banged on the door 40 minutes after we ordered, I scrambled to put on some chonies before I answered. He was definitely freaked out, not at the sight of a super sexy naked hairy gorilla-man, but about having to deliver to a sketchy ass motel in rapetown.

This place serves unvegan pizzas with the option of daiya for an added fee. I ordered the PB and J which consists of Pineapple, Sweet Basil, Jalapeno and Roasted Garlic. I figured since Melissa would be swallowing my thick frothy load that night, I should make it taste sweet, yet spicy and definitely GARLICKY. The pizza was pretty good. They put on a good amount of daiya and the garlic was actually roasted all the way through. We found out the next morning that the motel got robbed but we were too busy drinking bourbon and eating pizza to care.

3/5 Plunges






PFPCo. Noble Pie Parlor
239 West 2nd Street
Reno, NV 89501
(775) 622-9222

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Pneumatic Diner Reno

What the fuck was I doing in Reno? It's a long story so I won't bore you with the details, okay yes I will. Melissa and I were on a hot spring road trip through Nevada and we ended up in Reno cuz it was raining and we didn't want to get flooded in at some spot in the middle of nowhere. We were killing time before we could check into a shitty motel so I Yelped "Vegan Reno" and Pneumatic Cafe, like a high school boner, popped up.

This spot is pretty awesome, it's in some random shitty hotel on the second floor. The toilet to the place is down the hallway next to some empty office rooms. All the dudes working there were super nice and helped us find some vintage clothing stores so we could kill more time before check-in. What sold me on this place is the name of my dish. I scanned through the entire menu and like usual, I picked out the grossest sounding thing on it. This time it was called the "Faux Nard." I couldn't have came up with a better name myself, in fact I'm kinda bummed I haven't made anything called a Nard before. I think I'm gonna come up with a dish called "Wolfman's Nards" which will be some gross kimchi smelling dish, super salty with tons of pubes.

The Faux Nard is basically a meatball sub with a crap ton of cheese on it. Normally they make it with real cheese but I got it with fake-real cheese. The cheese is nutritional yeast based which made my pee fluorescent yellow, which went well with my green poop from all the red wine I drank the night before. The meatballs are made of ground up nuts and other crap, I'm not a huge fan of the un-soy fake meats but they did theirs up pretty well. Melissa ordered the Pesto with a side of Garlic Bread. Hers was pretty good but the garlic bread had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much garlic on it. I was burping up garlic stench fumes for the rest of the night.

This is a pretty decent spot and I would suggest anyone visiting Reno to go there. Also, every time you hear that god awful Johnny Cash song, change the words to "I sucked a man's wiener, just to taste his cum." It will make your day a billion times better.

3.5/5 Plunges







 

Pneumatic Diner
501 W 1st St
Reno, NV 89503

Friday, December 7, 2012

Doomies Big Mac Fart Bomb

Gina and Julie were going to Doomie's for dinner so Melissa, Mary and I tagged along. I drove from Highland Park, high and drunk as shit during rush hour traffic to get to Doomies so we could reverse barf some crazy salty junk. Melissa mentioned that they had a vegan Big Mac that is not on the menu, I inquired and was treated with a gigantic shit-bomb of a burger.

Doomie's does it right, straight up. Serve America's favorite fast food treats but make them vegan, this is a winning formula. This burger was so freaking delicious I grew five more dicks so I could pop 6 raging hard, mega-huge boners. After I finished, I jizzed a gallon of secret sauce all over the floor and Doomies had to close the restaurant for safety reasons.

Everyone else loved their meals, especially the unvegans. Proof that America is at the forefront of vegan fast food innovation. What will Doomie serve next? I suggest Vegan Turducken, only cuz it has the word "turd" in it.

4.5/5 Plunges











Monday, December 3, 2012

Champs, Williamsburg

Okay, so I never went to Champs when I lived in NY cuz apparently their food sucks and is expensive. Well this is what Vanessa told me when I first moved there, so I found it funny when she asked if I wanted to go there for brunch. I was visiting for just three weeks and we went to brunch at Champs every Sunday I was there.

Champs is basically high school but with food. It's super cliquey with everyone staring you down if you don't know anyone who works there. Tons of Vanessa's vegan straightedge friends go there and you must be super hip to get in. Every Sunday we waited over and hour for brunch and it was cold as shit out most of those mornings. All the chicks that work there are total babes that you would blow a giant load on within seconds if you put it in them, but they wont let you put it in them unless you sing for a hardcore band. So instead you just think of them while pounding your meat and crying cuz you're balding and fat and stinky and hairy and Mexican.

The food here is fucking amazing. The portions could be bigger and they could give you better sides than salad and other rabbit food type crap. Jake got the Tofu Benedict, Vanessa got Biscuits and Gravy, Katie got the All Vegan Slam, Mar got the Croque Monsieur, Scott also got a Benedict and I got a Monte Christo. All the food is groin-grabbingly puke-tastic. Their Gravy and Hollandaise sawse is top tier. I could beer bong and entire gallon of that shit and sit around playing video games all day with zero regret.

4/5 Plunges















Champs Diner
176 Ainslie St (between Lorimer St & Manhattan Ave)
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Dun-Well Doughnuts New York

When I first moved to NY last year I stayed with this chick Amanda off Meserole and Manhattan a few blocks away from Dunwell. I was never a fan of sweets, so what reason would I have to go there? Well I came to visit NY after The Shrine European Tour. Vanessa mentioned that her friend worked at Dun-Well, and she was a total babe, so we stopped in for a visit.

First of all, NOWHERE in the entire store is the word "Vegan" mentioned. This is a very smart marketing strategy for a doughnut place in the middle of Brooklyn. Tons of people come in to reverse barf un-vegan doughnuts and never realize they are eating regular vegan doughnuts. Only crappy part about that is the pigs come in expecting free coffee and doughnuts.

Everything in the shop is vegan and they have a ton of crap: Iced creams, coffees, snacks and fancy sodas. The decor is an old timey soda shop style, not my cup of tea, but it is done tastefully. The donuts are pretty fucking delicious. I was there in October so they were making monster themed doughnuts such as The Wolfman, The Blob, Blackula, Tremors, etc. I can't recall the specific doughnuts we got but they made my scrotum tingle. I don't have anything to compare them to but I can tell you they are top notch.

This place gets 4/5 Plunges. If you don't like sweets you can still go in to get a coffee and perv out on the hottest snack wench in all of New York. Tell her Throbert Johnson sent you.






Dun-Well Doughnuts
222 Montrose Avenue
Brooklyn, NY
(347) 294-0871