Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Portland: Cha Cha Cha Mexican Taqueria

Sam left some tattoo crap in our car and she had to pick it up before she worked on her next client, so we met her at Cha Cha Cha on N Williams. I ordered a Bloody Mary cuz I was hungover, Melissa ordered one cuz she was on her period we both ordered burritos cuz our butts needed poop fuel. Melisser got an unvegan bean and cheese and I got the very authentic sounding El Organico Burrito which had chipotle tofu, mushrooms, spinach, onions, black beans and gwak. My hangover headache was pounding harder than I pounded your mom last night, so this burrito was crucial to my recovery.

A burrito is a very simple food vessel, you take a bunch of random garbage, fry the fuck out of it then wrap it up in a tortilla; it's really easy to make, but also really easy to fuck up. I assumed this place would suck cuz the burrito was $6.50 but, even though the name is super gay, I can't talk shit on this place. It was actually a very delicious burrito, in fact, it was so potent I had to scramble out the back door into the hallway to forcibly eject feces from my sphincter. Good job guys.

3.5/5 Plunges






Cha Cha Cha
3808 North Williams Avenue Ste 124
Portland, OR 97227
(503) 281-1655


Friday, February 22, 2013

Long Life Vegi House, Berkeley

Rong Rife is one of those vegan institutions that has been around for decades. They got the UCB campus covered for late night vegan face cramming. I remember going to shows at Gilman St. when I was 16 and stopping in at Long Life to reverse barf, this place has a spot in my heart. The restaurant isn't 100% vegan but most of their food is. They have lunch specials, but every time I get it I forget the soup is unvegan so it is really of no value.

Melissa and I were headed up to Portland to visit my family and friends and we stopped in the bay for dinner and to avoid traffic. I love Long Life cuz they are basically a vegan Chinatown Express but charge 7 bux a dish instead of a dollar. The food is of the same quality- greasy, over-salted meat chunks with a ton of flavor juices that fill you up for about 20 minutes then you are hungry again.

Melissa got the Lemon Vegi-Chicken, I got the Long Life Vegi Pork and we split an order of fried Wontons, all worthy of a back alley stroke session behind a dumpster. I'm not a biologist, but somehow delicious food pumps my balls full of an ungodly amount of frothy sperm and after I eat I immediately have to pound my meat or else my sack will turn black from lack of blood circulation. Maybe I should go see a doctor, but I'm pretty sure he will tell me to stop eating delicious food. Whatever.

4/5 Plunges








Long Life Vegi
2129 University Ave
Berkeley, CA 94704
(510) 845-6072

Friday, February 15, 2013

Kaipo and Jen's Fartastic Reverse Barfery

This is the last post about Hawaii, for now at least. The whole time Melissa and I were at Jen and Kaipo's place we were fed vegan dinner from the magical hands of Jen. She made a food list before we even got there and every night she cooked us something different for dinner. I'll do a very quick run-through of what she made.

The first night she made gluten free pizza with buffalo cauliflower wings. Some places do that cauliflower thing before but I never had it. Both of these things came out awesome. Here is a pix of me cram-jamming that shit.


The next day she made Banh Mi's with coleslaw, I forgot to take a picture of them, but I would have to say it was one of the best meals she made on the trip. She baked the tofu instead of frying it, my mind was blown!


Then she was supposed to make Lasagna and garlic bread but she got lazy and made spaghetti instead. This shit came out crotch-tastic. I probably popped like 23 boners and squirted over 300 gallons of mexican cum all over the floor.


Next was beet burgers and onion rings. I am not a fan of homemade vegan burgers cuz they always come out like mush and taste like dog dick, but these ones were fart-huffingly terrific. They had all the right spices and shit, and the best part was my poo poo was purple the next day. The onion rings were better than any onion rings at any restaurant and they were gluten free as well.



The following day Jen made her favorite meal which is Saba with black beans and rice. I never had saba before in my life. They are giant bananas (picture Lexington Steel but not black) that you need to steam before you eat cuz they are hard as hell (again Lexington Steel). This meal was on the sweeter side but not too sweet, I could handle it and in fact it was very enjoyable.



The next night we switched it up a bit and I made everyone vegan gluten free Enchiladas. As anyone knows I am the most accomplished vegan cook on the planet, everyone at the house agreed. 


The following night we had green curry with broccoli and peanut sauwse. It was hella dope, made my butt fart green the whole next day. 



The next meal was mini vegan gluten free pot pies with mashed potatoesez on top. This was probably my favorite meal of the trip. If I was shipwrecked on an island with only one thing to eat for the rest of my life it would probably be these things.




The last day we stayed we bbqed some burgers and dogs and veggies. Kaipo and I cut open some coconuts and we drank them. His dogs Kiko and Maybe go ape shit over coconut meat. It also makes them diarrhea like crazy so we feed them like 8 coconuts each.




Jen and Kaipo are the most accommodating hosts in the entire universe, if there were more people like them the world would be a much nicer place. They get 5/5 plunges, the highest honor bestowed upon any person next to the Nobel Peace Prize.



Here are pix of their pets, all just as awesome as they are. Thanks for everything dudes.



Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Hiking Hawaiian Cafe, Oahu

Fuck, I have a headache and I'm hungry as shit. Writing blogs before I get up in the morning is total dogballs. So this post is about a place called Hiking Hawaiian in Waikiki, it's a small cafe right in the touristy part of town. In fact, the only reason we went there was cuz it was next to the hotel we stayed at our last night in town. It popped up on Yelrp when I searched vegan so we checked it out right before our flight shuttle picked us up.

This place didn't have many vegan options, in fact the only vegan thing they had on the menu was the pizza I got. It was a quinoa pizza with beans and other crap on it. A very bold move if I say so myself. I love pizza and hate quinoa so I was really in a deep quandary this time, but I went for it. To be honest (like I'm never not) it was pretty awful. The only saving grace was their hot sause collection. Only after dumping 3 gallons of Puckered Starfish Inferno Blast brand hot sawze on my pizza was I able to eat the rest of it. I would not recommend this place to anyone living or dying.

The only upside of going to this place was it sparked an entrepreneurial impulse to start my own place. Hiking Hawaiian is a place where a hiking company begins its meetups, they carb down hella hard then drive off to go huff it up some canyon. Since most of you know me from my other blog Losangelesswimmin.com you are aware of how much I love hiking/camping/cliff jumping and generally unsafe outdoor activities. Well, cuz of Hiking Hawaiian Cafe I am in the process of merging my love for food with my love for the outdoors, and you all know how creative my mind is, so expect something really awesome in the near future. I'm thinking like swim-up vegan pizza hut behind a waterfall with Old English 800 on tap and a dog karaoke night.

Love you all, 2/5 plunges.




Hiking Hawaiian Cafe
1910 Ala Moana Blvd Suite 3
Honolulu, HI 96815
(855) 808-4453

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Jawaiian Irie Jerk Restaurant, Oahu

Okay, so this is one of those places that is super hyped up on Yelp, everyone on the internet seems to know the chef personally and raves about how great his butt smells. I hate being on a first name basis with chefs because it makes it harder to talk shit about their restaurants on the internet. I also hate when the chef comes up to you after your meal and asks how it was. My mother told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all…until you go home, then talk shit about that person behind their back. So when the chef asks about the deliciousness of their food I always reply,  "It was good," only because I don't want to break their delicate little ego's.

So, while we were in Oahu we spent a day hanging out with Amy. Our original plan was to go to this vegan Dim Sum place, but when we got there a sign on the door read, "Out of business, go eat some ching-chong food somewhere else." We got back in the car and drove across town to Kaimuki to try out this Caribbean spot. Apparently Amy eats there all the time so she knew how to get there pretty fast. We arrived around 3 o'clock and the hostess wouldn't sit us, she said they were switching over to the dinner menu. I found it very suspicious that a large family of BLACK people were seated enjoying their lunch while us single WHITE young adults, well white and asian and mexican, were not allowed to be seated. I'm not one to read into things like this, so I'll leave it at that. The lady did allow us to order food to-go so we did that and drove to a park by the beach to eat lunch.

Melissa got the Jamaican Ital Stew which is a bunch of vegetables mixed with curry and coconut sawce, I got the Tofu Delight which is tofu and vegetables with a tomato coconut sauce. Both items came with rice and bread. Amy got some shredded animal carcass cuz her taste buds are more important than the livelihood of this planet.

Both mine and Melissa's food was outstanding. The only way I can describe how good it made me feel would be something similar to a gay dudes first bukkake party. The spices were all dead on, it was salty but not too salty and the tofu was the perfect texture. After we ate Amy took off and Melissa and I went to some super shady bar called The Hideaway. We drank some shitty beers, got propositioned into a 3 way and smoked crack in the alley. All in all a good day.

This spot gets 3/5 Plunges only because they wouldn't seat us. Next time you see vegans coming into your restaurant you better seat them or else they will talk shit on you on the interneck.








Jawaiian Irie Jerk Restaurant
1137 11th Ave
Honolulu, HI 96816