Thursday, January 31, 2013

Downbeat Diner & Lounge, Honolulu

Orale culos, this review is about a small diner in the middle of Chinatown on the island of Oahu. This place serves up a classic list of diner garbage but with a small twist, everything on the menu can be made vegan, well almost everything. Despite this awesome fact, the place is full of hipster turds. Now I'm not here to talk shit about hipsters, in fact if it weren't for hipsters, pretty much every vegan restaurant would be out of business, but this place just reeks of sad hipster cologne. I really don't blame them for coming here, I'm sure the drinks are cheap and they can hang with their buddies who work there, but I really think putting "Bacon and Pabst Blue Ribbon" as a menu item is going a little too far. I also didn't come here to rant about bacon and PBR, but really now, this fad of liking things just cuz it's ironic is retarded. Bacon is disgusting and PBR is quite possibly the worst beer on the planet next to Steel Reserve. All you hipster douchebags fell hook, line and sinker for these marketing ploys. You know PBR and the bacon industry hired hipster PR guys to hype up these horrible products. Question what you put into your bodies people... okay back to the review.

So the chicks working here are easily the hottest chicks on the island. I had to hide my boner the whole time which was really difficult because, it's like 28 feet long you know, with a bazillion throbbing veins and the head looks like a portabella mushroom. Perving out the another reason why skinny moustachioed hipsters come in to this place, I could sit and stare at the bartender's huge forehead all night. Kaipo and Jen ordered unvegan crap, I think Kaipes got the Chili Moco, which would be awesome if it was vegan. In Spanish moco means snot, but in Hawaii it is a dish consisting of a burger patty and an egg smothered in gravy or chili. I want to make this so bad, in fact I'll probably do that today. Jen got some gluten free quesadilla that had chickens or something in it. Melissa got the sampler which was 3 Jalapeno Poppers, 3 Mozzarella Sticks and 3 Buffalo Wings. The wings were vegan so I had some, they were awesome. I got The Carnivore which was a burger with bacon, cheese and grilled onions, but I made it a double decker for 3 bux more, I also got an order of the Volcano Fries.

My food was really dry. The burger, which I believe is Boca, was overcooked. This would have been fine if I had a few pickles to munch on in between bites, but nooope. The volcano fries were decent, but the gravy lacked density. When I eat gravy I want it to stick to my arteries and clog up my heart. I like it brown and thick with tons of pubes and scabs on it. This gravy was very light and runny sort of like a hollandaise sawse. It tasted okay but was definitely not as good as Foodswings. Despite all of this crap I still give this place three plunges, only cuz the chix are hot and they are open late.

3/5 Plunges









Downbeat Diner and Lounge
42 N Hotel St
Honolulu (808) 533-2328

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Zippys Chili

Begin Hawaii Posts:

So last monf Melissa and I went to Oahu to visit Jen and Kaipo. We got tickets for hella cheap and had a free place to stay so, like the compulsive assholes we are, we took off for 2 weeks in paradise.

They picked us up at the airport on Sunday and drove us back to their place, but not before a pit stop at Zippy's. We were pretty out of it from all the xanax and booze needed for our grueling 6 hour flight, so my gut/butt needed some poop-fuel. Kaipo raves about Zippy's chili, so much so that he moved back to Oahu just to be close to it. Zippy's is basically the Hawaiian equivalent of Denny's, but without the racism. The servers are all mokes that will spit in your food if you are a haole, but luckily we were dining with Kaipes who is 69th generation Hawaiian and everyone on the island respects him.

I got the vegetarian chili which comes with a side of rice, everyone else at the table got unvegan crap. The chili is butt-rific. It's up there with any of the best chili's I've had in my life, and the best part is they put mushrooms in it. After eating my bowl I ordered a gallon tub of chili to go and went back to Jen and Kaipo's place. Melissa massaged my butt while I reverse barfed the entire gallon. Needless to say Kaipo had to call a plumber the next morning, the Hawaii Sewage Department had to close all the beaches on the north shore cuz the water was contaminated. This was real crappy because the Pipelayer Masters surfing competition was going down that day. Kelly Slater can lick my sack.
4/5 Plunges